We planted our church last summer on July 25th, 2010. That first worship service was the culmination of 18 months of planning and hard work on the part of myself and my two other co-pastors. It was one of the hardest seasons of our lives. A few months later we had about 40 people attending our church and during a service in September I distinctly remember sitting in the congregation and this thought came over me, "Wow. Here we are. We actually exist. Our church is up and running and apart from something dramatic happening, we probably are not going anywhere." It was like a corner was turned in my brain and a new chapter was beginning.
The next morning everything went dark. I know depression is hard to describe but that is how I would describe it. Everything was dark. I remember sitting at the breakfast table with my family and unable to speak, feeling an utter sense of despair, hopelessness, meaninglessness, stomach in knots, and paralyzing sadness. Everything seemed completely overwhelming and dark. There was no trigger that I could put my finger on. It was simply there for no apparent reason.
After breakfast I went downstairs and took a shower and just cried in the shower. It was so weird to experience uncontrollable crying for what was seemingly no reason at all. I probably cried twice between junior high and the birth of my first child. Since having children tears are much more accessible but this was the first time I had cried for no discernible reason. That was really scary and awkward for me.
My thoughts: What is happening to me? What if I never come out of this mental state? My wife has way too much on her plate for her to have to carry me emotionally. She needs me to be strong. With four small kids I HAVE to be able to function. I am not able to function right now.
I had to go to work that day and toughed it out. I came home after work and we had some neighbors over for dinner. I was able to fake it and having them there helped take my mind off things. The next day during the afternoon the darkness seemed to lift and things were back to normal.
It was 36 hours of mental hell and then it was gone almost as quick as it landed upon me. It was jarring and very scary. I never want to go through that again, though I know I probably will in the future.
Some thoughts since that experience:
1. Will this ever happen again and happen for a longer period of time? It is easy to walk in fear after an experience like that. Mental illness is all over my family tree. Is there coming a day when I will completely lose it?
2. Mental illness is scarier than a broken arm because it seems so much harder to control. I have control issues.
3. This experience has given me much greater compassion for those who battle in these ways. Oftentimes they suffer in silence. There can be great shame heaped upon them from the Christian community because of mental breakdowns or illness. I don't know where we get the idea that Christians are supposed to be happy and healthy all the time. It certainly is unbiblical.
4. Many people suffer in the darkness of depression for years and years. I need to be thankful that it was only 36 hours.
5. I am confronted with my own feeble human brokenness (Romans 8:18) and this truth banishes from my mind any thoughts of over confidence in myself. Certainly this is a blessing.
6. My hunger and thirst for the day when Jesus makes all things new continues to be more acute in light of my personal brokenness. This life is but a mist but when you are despairing it can feel like an eternity. I long for the resolution of the tension in which we live. It will come. There will be a happy ending.
I know many of you have experienced similar trials. Feel free to share your thoughts and reflections.
Resources worth considering:
When the Darkness Will Not Lift: Doing What We Can While We Wait for God--and Joy
Depression: A Stubborn Darkness--Light for the Path
Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure
11 comments:
Zach,
I have a friend from college and seminary who is a Lutheran pastor who dealt with depression and wrote a booklet regarding his experience. His website is http://www.darkmyroad.org/ and you can find a link to get a free copy if you're interested. Know your not Lutheran, but obviously much of what he writes isn't specific to Lutheranism, but does address the challenges Christian face in dealing with depression. I've been subscribed to your blog for a couple of years now and appreciate the variety of your posts! Blessings!
Wow, Zach. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us. I haven't battled with long term depression before, but I certainly know what intense seasons of melancholy feels like. It's good to know that we're not alone.
Hi Zach, I appreciate your description of an indescribable condition. I am fully aware of and convinced of physical and clinical depression, but I wonder, especially in your case, if there wasn't a direct demonic attack, considering you were just coming off a wonderful victory in your life? I'd like to maybe see some discussion on this. In particular, when is it a spiritual attack and when is it by other causes? We have physical\chemical imbalances, emotional and mental causes, both self-afflicted and externally caused. So how does one know the difference? Perhaps the books you've referenced have some answers too.
I have experienced times of intense sadness in my life, for no apparent reason. I think a lot of the cause was hormonal imbalance (a book should be written about how synthetic hormones given for labor induction affect women). However, the one thing for which I "rejoiced" and praised God during those dark times was that He was allowing me to go through those times of trial so that I would cast myself on Him. Each morning when I woke, I prayed, "Lord, I can't. I can't get through this day without more of your grace and mercy. Please give me the strength to honor you today, regardless of how I feel." God was always faithful to me (and my family) in those long seasons. He gets the glory! :)
Thanks for sharing this Zach, and for linking to our posts. I hope that this discussion opens the door for more people to talk about depression from a biblical perspective.
So grateful that you've shared this. We don't always do a good job of understanding depression. You've helped to address this.
May our churches provide love and support for those who are suffering from depression.
Zach, thanks for sharing. I think it's helpful for guys in your position to talk about this openly; it pioneers the safety of talking about such things.
My period was about a year long, up and down. Vacillating days experiencing like what you described (unexplained sadness, crying) and days of numbness, where I could feel nothing, neither happiness nor sadness. My kids would do something funny and I would just stare at them. They would get in a fight or get hurt and I would feel nothing. It was very scary.
My time of depression was influenced by circumstances, moreso than anything chemical or the like, I believe, because I have not experienced anything like it before. And I did not delight in the gospel then.
The darkness ended for me one night laying face down on my guest bedroom floor, wetting the carpet with my tears, contemplating suicide, and begging God to help me. The Spirit said the words "I love you and I approve of you" to my heart. The lights came on. I call that my experience of gospel wakefulness.
My circumstances did not change right then. Many of them did not change for a year or more. But my heart was captured in a fresh, enduring way. And I have not been the same since.
God loves his children. He holds on tight even if we are barely clinging.
Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences. I hope it continues to encourage others.
Thank you so much for pouring yourself out. I've dealt with similar symptons before but mostly when I was in my late teens. Thanks again.
You probably know this ;) but I have struggled for eight years with depression and oftentimes feel extreme guilt about it, which of course adds to the cycle. It is in my family, as well, but seemed to be started in my case by the onset of the vertigo. I am painfully aware of the "darkness" analogy. The way I have described it to Dan before is that depression is always beckoning me...always wanting me back. I fight daily and fake it many days. I am thankful for a Savior who takes away my sin, who makes my light shine in the darkness and whose mercies are new every morning.
Pretty effective piece of writing, much thanks for your article.
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