How To Have A Confrontational Conversation

Good thoughts here from Ryan Huguley.

Are We Free To Be Angry?

Yes, but be very careful.  Tim Challies writes:

Does God allow his people to express anger? Yes, he does. But only under these circumstances: You are reacting against actual sin, you are more concerned with the offense against God than the offense against yourself, and you are expressing your anger in ways consistent with Christian character. And as we can all testify, this kind of righteous anger is difficult and rare.

Read the rest as he expands upon these points.


Books by Tim Challies:

• The Next Story: Life and Faith after the Digital Explosion 
• The Discipline of Spiritual Discernment 
• Sexual Detox: A Guide for Guys Who Are Sick of Porn

Why You Can't See Your Biggest Flaws

Tim Keller:

So how can we be shaken out of our lethargy and awakened to our need to grow? Here are some principles I have gleaned from Newton's letters over the years.

• Know that your worst character flaws are the ones you can see the least.
• Remember that you can't learn about your biggest flaws just be being told—you must be shown.
• Be willing to listen to correction and critique from others.

Read the rest for helpful explanation.


 Books by Tim Keller:

• The Prodigal God  
• King’s Cross 
• Gospel in Life: Grace Changes Everything 
• The Reason for God  
• Counterfeit Gods  
• Generous Justice

How To Navigate Conflict Well

Pastor J.D. Greear:

In Ephesians 4:29, Paul mentions two kinds of speech: that which builds up and that which pulls down. This verse and the surrounding passage show us ten ways that we can handle conflict well—10 ways to fight like a Christian. 

1. Examine your heart.This is a huge first step in any conflict. Even if you’ve been wronged, what does your emotional response say about your heart? Is it possible that malice, wrath, or bitterness have snuck in? These things are like alarm systems for your heart, pointing to idolatry, which is often a much bigger issue than whatever your spouse (or brother or friend or boss) has done to you. 

2.     Overlook whatever you can.Part of speaking to others with grace is discerning what needs confronting and what should be overlooked. That’s a lot of what Paul means by that little phrase, “as fits the occasion.” On certain occasions (not all!), confronting little infractions only serves to heighten tensions. There are times you need to speak up and confront; and there are times to just let it go. There’s a real art to knowing the difference. 

3.     Be practical in how you fight.Again, think about what “fits the occasion.” My wife and I have learned the hard way that there are certain times, places, and moods that are just bad for arguments. So we never fight, for instance, if we’re both exhausted. We table the argument and come back to it within 24 hours, after we’ve had time to rest. Now, there’s always a temptation to just table a critical discussion endlessly, so you need to be sure to keep your word. If you say, “Let’s talk about this in the morning,” then put it on your calendar and actually bring it back up. 

4.     Be quick to listen and slow to speak.As our Pastor of Counseling Brad Hambrick says, the vast majority of communication problems are notexpression problems, but listening problems. You’re plenty skilled at making your point known; but the “communication breakdown” is the result of your stopped up ear. Listening well is one way of applying the biblical truth of considering others’ interests more important than your own (cf. Phil 2:3–4) 

5.     Seek their sanctification, not your vindication.Once you let go of the idea that you have to win every argument and vindicate yourself, you can finally focus on what helps the other person and the relationship. That means backing off, even when you think you are in the right. 

6.  Believe in God’s overriding purposes in your relationships.Knowing that God has a purpose for your relationships introduces an element of hope, even to the most broken of those relationships. This will not automatically make a difficult relationship easier, but it does add perspective: God knew you would be in that relationship, and he intends to do something beautiful with your conflict. 

7. Speak grace-saturated words.When grace saturates your speech, it changes both the content and the tone of what you say. Instead of assuming the positives and noticing the negatives, you begin to assume the negatives and intentionally point out the positives. You avoid being sarcastic and condescending, because that kind of talk—even if it’s technically “true”—only serves to ostracize and tear down. 

8. Don’t give up until there is no longer a chance of reconciliation.This is specifically applicable to married relationships, though the principle is broader than that. I see so many couples going through the pain of divorce, and even though I believe there are legitimate reasons for divorce, I wish that more people would just give the power of grace a chance before giving up on that relationship. 

9. Truly forgive.Forgiveness is a choice to put an offense away from our minds, but it’s not conditional on another person’s repentance. Many people think, “I’d forgive so-and-so if they would just ask for it.” But don’t confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Reconciliation takes two people; forgiveness only takes one. For your own sake, do not wait on another person’s repentance before you forgive. The only alternative to forgiveness is bitterness. 

10. Do all things out of reverence for Christ.The only way to follow any of this is for the cross to grow large in your life, to be so overwhelmed by Christ’s sacrifice for you that it reorients how you view every offense against you. If you try to resolve conflict as an act of service to your spouse, you will always lose motivation. You have to do it for Jesus. 

Books by J.D. Greear:

• Stop Asking Jesus Into Your Heart: How to Know for Sure You Are Saved
• Gospel: Recovering the Power that Made Christianity Revolutionary
• Breaking the Islam Code: Understanding the Soul Questions of Every Muslim

11 Tips For Counseling Your Children In Conflict

Great post here from Trisha Wilkerson.

Blind to our Blindness

Paul Tripp:

Sin is deceptive. Who does it deceive first? I have no difficulty recognizing the sin of the people around me, but I can be quite unprepared when others point out my sin. Sin deceives ten out of ten people reading this column. Spiritual blindness is not like physical blindness. When you are physically blind, you know you are blind, so you compensate for this significant physical deficit. But spiritually blind people are not only blind, they are also blind to their own blindness. They think they see well. So the spiritually blind person walks around with the delusion that no one has a more accurate view of himself than he does.

You will never outgrow your need for the ministry of the body of Christ. The important question is, "Who helps you to see what you will not see if left on your own?"

Read the rest.

Signs Your Marriage is Drifting

Justin and Trisha:

1. You think that the absence of conflict equals the presence of intimacy.

2. You find yourself keeping certain details of conversations or events from your spouse.

3. You say you forgive but you are really resentful.

4. You care more about being right than being one with your spouse.

5. When you get dressed in the morning, you are hoping that certain person at work notices you.

6. You look for opportunities to run errands, do chores, or work late so you can spend less time at home.

7. You say you’re sorry but you never change.

8. Sexual intimacy is rarely offered or pursued.

9. You are more emotionally connected to another person than you are your spouse.

10. You can’t remember the last time you had a conversation of substance that wasn’t an argument.

11. You haven’t gone on a date with just your spouse in over three months.

This list doesn’t mean that you’re marriage is over. This list means that your marriage is drifting. You don’t avoid these things by accident. You choose to avoid this list. You make a decision every day to walk in the other direction of this list. We are here to help you avoid this list. You don’t have to walk alone.

Run To The Tension

Justin Buzzard:

Run to the tension.

I’ve been teaching our leaders to “run to the tension” as they lead Neighborhood Groups/lead people in our church.

When conflict, tension, and difficulty shows up, run to it. Face it. Deal with it. Lead through it now, not later.

Our instinct is to ignore tension, but ignoring conflict now will only make for a bigger and messier conflict three months from now.

Run to the tension.

These are wise words indeed.

C.J. Mahaney Writes About His Leave of Absense

C.J. Mahaney writes quite transparently about this ensuing leave of absence from his role as leader of Sovereign Grace ministries.  There is much we can learn from this blog post.  I commend it to you.

When the Bible Calls You Stupid

Great post here from Timmy Brister on the importance of correction and reproof.

Don't Be So Surprised and Angry at The Antagonism

Russell Moore:

To get to my favorite coffee shop here in Louisville, I pass a lot of bumper stickers intended to make people like me angry. One of them says “Born Okay the First Time.” Another says “If You Don’t Like Abortion, Don’t Have One.” And, of course, there are several of the Darwin fish, those metallic signs with the early Christian symbol sprouting legs. 

These bumper stickers have spawned an entire industry in American evangelicalism, countering these arguments, with “right back at you” ridicule. I understand the temptation, because some of those bumper stickers used to rile me up too. I would roll my eyes and think how stupid the argument was in front of me. Why does the Wicca devotee really need to tell us, “My Other Car Is a Broom”? Why does the anti-procreation guy have to announce, “My Labradoodle Is Smarter Than Your Honors Student”? 

But, it seems to me that Jesus never seemed all that outraged by ridicule. Yes, Jesus would engage, and banter back and forth with his critics. Yes, Jesus would sometimes use some pretty stout sarcasm. But Jesus never seemed to be personally offended. Even when his critics suggested he was demon-possessed (Mk. 3:22-27), Jesus simply turned the conversation around, saying, in effect, “Come on, do you really believe that? Satan vs Satan?” 

Why does Jesus seem so relatively free of outrage? I think it’s for the same reason Jesus didn’t verbally spar point-by-point with the Sanhedrin or Pontius Pilate. Confident in his Father’s future vindication, Jesus didn’t need to be seen, in the now, to be right. How different that is from our typical contemporary Christian polemics.

Read the rest.  

The Marriage of Wisdom and Correction

C.J. Mahaney:

Years ago during a study on Proverbs, I was surprised to discover that maturing in wisdom is often the fruit of correction (see Proverbs 9:8, 19:25, 29:15). I can remember thinking, “Surely it’s possible to learn wisdomwithout any need for correction and criticism.” 

Apparently not. 

In his commentary on Proverbs, Derek Kidner writes that wisdom’s “frequent companion is correction” [1].  That phrase is now firmly fixed in my mind. If you ask for wisdom to hang around in your life, you will find that she doesn’t prefer to travel alone. 

If we could mature in wisdom without any need for correction—and how I wish we could!—I would have discovered a way to do it by now and probably written a bestselling book explaining how. But that’s not how it works. We cannot separate growth in wisdom from criticism, correction, and reproof.

Read the rest.

Receive Criticism with Gladness

Bob Kauflin:

What a thought. The cross is a loud statement of our sin, unworthiness, and need. And in light of the cross, we can receive criticism graciously because God, who knows our wickedness better than anyone else, has fully forgiven and justified us.  We will never be brought into condemnation (Romans 8:1)!  So we can confidently pray with David, “Let a righteous man strike me – it is a kindness; let him rebuke me – it is oil for me head; let my head not refuse it” (Psalm 141:5).

(HT:  Tullian)

Grace Through the Humble To the Humble

Colin Hansen:

Not all that looks like humility is actually humility. And sometimes what looks like pride to the world is actually loving concern. True Christian fellowship means that we must correct friends and family in their sin. So how do we offer such guidance to loved ones in a way that they can receive? And how do we make sure we serve them out of godly motives? Council members James MacDonald and C.J. Mahaney hash out these difficult questions in the latest video in TGC’s roundtable series.

Mohler on Sanford

Al Mohler on the Gov. Sanford situation:

Put simply, Governor Sanford's most recent comments point to a worst-case scenario. His words make clear that his heart is still inclined toward his mistress, and not his wife. With tragic candor, the governor has spoken of trying to fall back in love with his wife. He refers to his mistress, not his wife, as his soul mate, and speaks wistfully of the affair as "a love story at the end of the day."

Governor Sanford may cite King David, and he may even suffer the illusion that his response is similar to that of Israel's King. Nevertheless, the difference is clear. David's adultery was mixed even with murder, but his own acknowledgment of sin came in a flood of contrition, remorse, broken heartedness, and humility. David acknowledged the reality of his sin, expressed his hatred of the sin, and became a model for us all of repentance. Governor Sanford, on the other hand, demonstrates the audacity to speak wistfully of his sin, longingly of his lover, and romantically of his descent into unfaithfulness.

Governor Sanford is no King David, and the people of South Carolina -- as well as the watching world -- now observe the sad spectacle of a man who, while admitting to wrongdoing, shows no genuine repentance. As the Christian church has long recognized, true repentance is reflected in the "detestation of sin." This is a far cry from what we've heard from Governor Sanford.

If the governor is really serious about demonstrating character to his four sons, he should resign his office and give himself unreservedly to his wife and family. He must show his sons -- and all who have eyes to see -- how a man is led by the grace and mercy of God to hate his sin, rather than to love it. Until then, the governor must be understood to indulge himself in wistfulness for his affair and in a desperate determination to maintain his office. His remaining days in office are like a Greek tragedy unfolding into farce. The whole picture is just unspeakably sad.

Great Damage: The Gift of Discernment Used in the Flesh

Here is an interesting post from James McDonald:

I have been a pastor for more than 25 years and I have heard some pretty harsh things; but the deepest wounding by far has been at the hands of people using the gift of discernment in the flesh. Most often, these are the folks that separate friends, divide churches and destroy families. It is a very dangerous gift when not under the Spirit’s control. Maybe you have experienced this personally, or worse, have been the one doing it. Here are five ways to know if you or someone you know is using the gift of discernment in their own strength and not the Lord’s.

1) Isolation

2) Anger

3) Fear

4) Distortion

5) Not listening

Read his post to see how he fleshes these out. It's worth the read.

Discerning Confrontation

In light of the posts from yesterday about sanctification being a corporate pursuit and loving each other enough to be honest about offenses, I found this section from Chris Brauns' new book, "Unpacking Forgiveness" to be helpful:

How do I know when to confront something and when to overlook it?

The short answer is that it is a matter of wisdom or discernment. Each time you are offended, you need to wisely decide whether or not you need to bring it up. Only you can make the decision, but several diagnostic questions can help you work through it.

Here's an outline of the questions:

1. Before confronting, ask, “Have I examined myself yet?”
2. Before confronting, ask, “How sure am I that I am right?”
3. Before confronting, ask, “How important is this?”
4. Before confronting, ask, “Does this person show a pattern of this kind of behavior?”
5. Before confronting, ask, “What do wise people counsel me to do?”
6. Before confronting, ask, “What else is going on in the other person’s world?”

(HT: JT)