A Subtle, but Powerful Way to Love Your Spouse

Dan Darling:

There are all sorts of big and small ways to show love to your spouse. One of the easiest, but powerful ways to demonstrate this is to talk about them positively in public. This one reason I am so grateful for Angela. She has to live with my sinful tendencies, my human weaknesses, and my annoying quirks. There is a lot of material from which she could easily draw when talking with her girlfriends or other friends. And yet Angela has always talked well about me in public. It’s a small thing, but it’s a big thing to me. If she has a problem with me, she tells me. But never does she send a message through passive-aggressive shots delivered while in public. I appreciate and love her for that and I try very hard to return the favor. 

I’m amazed at how often I hear good, faithful Christian couples undermine each other in public. I hear wives degrade their husband’s character and worth, sometimes in the church parking lot. I cringe every time I hear this because in my mind I can see the strength and confidence of the husband shrink. I also hear husbands rail on their wives in a sort of “can you believe what my wife just did?” kind of manner that tells me how much they really value the wive God has given them. 

Angela and I are far from perfect. We have many flaws. But I’m grateful we’ve made this small commitment to each other. It’s hard for two people to walk together in mutual love if one or the other feels degraded. It’s crippling to the kind of long-lasting marital love that reflects the love Christ has for His Church. 

In fact, I would bet there is more value to not saying negative things about a spouse than the kind of over-the-top flattery we sometimes display in order to have others commend us. If my wife never said I was “the best husband alive” on Facebook, but committed to not criticizing me in public, I’d be a happy man. And I”m guessing she’d say the same about me. Not tearing her down in public is better than a thousand “smoking hot wife” references on Twitter. 

The reason this matters, I think, is because we often reveal our true selves when we’re trying to posture ourselves in front of other people, in a crowd. We reveal our true motivations. And for the other person to observe us sort of using them as fodder for a well-timed quip or cutting remark–this hurts more than we might realize. 

How Do I Love My Wife Well?

Ben Stuart:

“How do I love my wife well?” Young husbands frequently ask me this question, and it is a great one to ask. They are often faced with a laundry list of good tips: prioritize date nights, lead family prayer times, organize evening devotionals, take walks together, buy her flowers, write poetry, help around the house, etc.

I have found that these lists can be extremely helpful examples or extremely tyrannizing laws. If you anxiously try to accomplish them all, the stress could steal the joy of your marriage. 

So what do we do? Is there one guiding principal that can help us navigate marriage well? I believe so. I believe we see it clearly in Genesis.

Read the rest.  

3 Practical Ways to Encourage Your Wife About Physical Beauty

Nicole Whitacre:

So what can you do? 

First, start by asking your wife or daughter about the beauty pressures they face. Granted, some women may be more affected than others, but beauty issues touch us all. 

Second, study Scripture. Labor to read good resources on this topic so that you can encourage, cherish, and lead your wife and daughter. 

Third, encourage true beauty. Lavish your wife with affection and adoration. Be your daughter’s biggest fan. 

Men who take the time to understand—or at least try to understand—the pressures women face will be able to help them resist the lies from our culture and pursue a biblical vision of beauty. Even if you don’t feel like you get it, I guarantee the effort will be greatly appreciated. 

We know you may not want to be caught dead reading a book with a girly cover called True Beauty, and we respect you for that, but learning about true beauty in order to serve your woman is one of the most masculine things you can do.

Read the rest.  

How to Keep Falling in Love with Your Husband

This post is intended for women, but completely applies in the opposite direction for men.

Carolyn Mahaney writes:

The other night, my girls and I met with a group of women for an informal question and answer time. One of the women asked about marriage: “How do you keep falling in love with your husband through the years?”

We talked about the eighty/twenty rule, and about looking for ways to show love to our husbands that are meaningful to them. Last week here on the blog we considered the importance of not being so busy serving them that we don’t cultivate affectionate love.

But one of the biggest love-killers in a marriage is sinful comparison.

Read the rest.

What You Really Need In Marriage

Mark Altrogge:

Our culture is extremely self-oriented. We are continually bombarded by messages that tell us we need greater self-esteem. We begin to think, I need to do this for me, I need to be validated, I need to feel good about myself, I need to think about my desires for a change, etc.

It’s so easy to bring this mentality into marriage. We can think we “need” certain things from our spouse. But in reality, we often take our desires, which may not be wrong in themselves, and elevate them to the level of “need.” “I want” becomes “I won’t be happy unless I get…”

Of course, there’s a place for talking to your spouse about your desires. There are things husbands and wives should do for one another. They should serve one another. They should seek to bless each other. Each should bear their share of the load of caring for the children and household chores.

But be careful with desires. But what if your spouse fails to meet your desires?

Read the rest.

Drunk With Love

A great Valentine's Day reflection from Jon Bloom.  I commend it to you.

He writes:

The evolution of Valentine’s Day has followed a course similar to the evolution of Santa Claus. It began with legends surrounding an obscure saint (actually, there’s more than one St. Valentine) from early Christian history that oddly morphed over the centuries into something else entirely. Then it exploded into a pop culture and commercial phenomenon in Victorian England (thank the Brits for greeting cards, flowers, and “confectionaries”), with the United States quickly jumping on the bandwagon.

No one knows for sure how a February 14th feast day commemorating a martyr(s) came to be a celebration of Eros love. It’s possible that when 5th Century Pope Gelasius l abolished the ancient Roman pagan fertility festival, Lupercalia (celebrated on February 15th), it ended up just meshing with St. Valentine’s Day. All we know is that “Volantynys day” abruptly shows up in a romantic poem by Geoffrey Chaucer in the 14th Century and it’s been with us ever since.

So what should Christians make of today’s Valentine’s Day?

As much as purely possible! Valentine was a saint and Eros is not Cupid’s domain. It’s God’s! Christians should be the most unashamed, exuberant celebrators of romantic love there are, and the strongest guardians of God’s design and boundaries, because God made it for us to enjoy (1 Timothy 6:17)! And God, the greatest romantic in existence, has designed it to give us a taste of the greatest romance that will ever exist, of which all Christians will experience.

Read the rest.

In addition, check out Jon's new book here.

“I don’t deserve to be treated like this!”

A great post on relational reconciliation, especially in marriage.

Hope On The Horizon For A Contentious Issue

If this cultural discussion could have thoughtfulness and nuance like this on a broader scale, we'd all be much better for it.

After reading his piece, I get the sense that he and I would walk away with different conclusions but still respect and honor each other.

Maybe it's actually possible!

Sex, Dating, and Relationship - An Interview

Justin Taylor posts a great interview with Gerald Hiestand on Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach (Crossway, 2012), co-authored with Jay Thomas.

"If you're going to sleep with your brother's wife, you are probably going to lie to your brother about it. I'm not convinced about men meeting up in groups to keep them accountable."

Great article here from Paul Levy about how to protect yourself from ministry disqualifying sin.

(HT:  JT)

Gospel-Centered Sex

Wow.  One of the best articles I've read on sex in marriage from a Christian perspective.

Marci Preheim:

When Christians talk about sex and marriage they usually jump right to the requirements. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. Wives submit to your husbands—and on goes the sermon about how this plays out in ACTION. The wall of division between the sexes seems to grow, rather than fall, when these passages are preached. Neither side leaves content that the preacher has explained the duties of their spouse thoroughly enough. We head home with an extra measure of shame for ourselves and guilt for our spouse.

This is the point where the gospel steps in and detonates a nuclear bomb on all of our misconceptions of marriage. The gospel doesn’t just apply to marriage. Marriage is the ultimate illustration of what the gospel is. Christ is the second husband! Ephesians 5:31-32 says this: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh (and by “one flesh” he means the sexual union and all that entails). This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” Let that profound mystery sink in for a minute. Two people becoming one flesh is an illustration of Christ and His church!

We miss the real pleasure of the marriage bed because we miss the profound mystery of Christ and His bride. He doesn’t command us to get over ourselves, take off our clothes and be vulnerable with each other in a merely physical act. He has removed our shame so that we can! When shame is removed, the result is an eagerness for this kind of vulnerability. When selfishness is removed, it becomes safe, and therefore pleasurable for both parties. It is only through His grace, we get glimpses of the Garden of Eden. He has taken our shame on Himself and given us His righteousness as our covering.

Our measly little marriages are only a shadow of the true marriage that is to come. When our marriages here disappoint us, it causes us to yearn for our eternal marriage that will never disappoint. The Lord does not shy away from the subject of sex. In fact it is front and center as an illustration of the intimacy of Himself and His bride. Here’s where it gets good.

Read the rest.

Real Marriage

It's funny because it's true!

"Ten Words that Drastically Changed My Relationships"

Helpful post here from Allison Vesterfelt:

A little over a year ago, my dad had a massive heart attack. 

We didn’t expect it (which sounds weird to say, because who ever expects someone they love to have a heart attack) but it’s true. He’d never had any heart trouble before, he was only fifty-five years old, and you could find him at the gym at least a few times each week.
Then, out of nowhere, his just heart stopped beating. 

In the weeks before I got the call we hadn’t been talking much. We were close, and had been close for most of my adult life, but I had recently gotten married and moved across the country, and things were hard, and weird with the transition. 

Every time I would think to call I would say to myself, “I’ll call tomorrow…”So when my sister called to explain what had happened, I felt all of the reasons I’d given myself to hold back from calling him crash against me like a river of grief and regret. “I should have called,” I kept saying to myself, in a blur of tears. “God, don’t let him die. Please, don’t let him die.” I prayed and I sobbed. 

I was brought back to this moment the other day after getting in an argument with a friend.
It wasn’t a yelling-screaming fight, but we were both frustrated with each other and by the time we hung up the phone, things were weird, like they’d been my with my dad. We were still friends, but we were confused; we weren’t sure who should say what, or when. I laid awake in bed that night, going over the fight in my mind. I felt myself thinking, “I’ll call tomorrow…” 

But instead, I sat up in bed and immediately sent them a text: “I love you and care for you, even when we disagree. We’re okay.” 

It was simple. So simple. But at the same time, it changed everything for me 

• • • 

My grandma turned 90 years old recently, and the whole family traveled to Chicago to celebrate. After the celebration we sat around asking her questions, gleaning from her wisdom about life and marriage and career and family. 

My cousin asked, “Grandma, what’s the best thing you ever did for your marriage?”
She thought about it for a minute and then said, “Each night, before we fell asleep, we would turn to each other and say, ‘I’m sorry if I hurt you today. I love you.’” I smiled at her words and then, that night, when I climbed into bed, my husband looked me in the eye and said, “I’m sorry if I hurt you today. I love you.” 

It was simple. So simple. But at the same time, it changed everything.  

• • • 

I wonder if this is why Paul urges us in Scripture not to let the sun go down on our anger — not because it makes God happy (although it probably does), but because he knows it will make us happy. Perhaps he knows our deepest desires, as well as our deepest regrets, come from the same place: Our connection to others. 

By a beautiful miracle, my dad survived his heart attack. 

But I live differently now, knowing my chance to say “I love you, Dad,” in person, was almost taken away from me. Before I go to bed at night I try to say — to my husband, and whoever else needs to hear it — I’m sorry if I hurt you today. I love you. 

It’s simple. So simple. But at the same time, it changes everything.

It's Usually Never Explosion But Slow Erosion That Kills a Marriage

It feels to them that they have driven into some kind of marital fog. It feels that what was once bright and sunny has suddenly gone dark. But nothing has been sudden. The changes of their marriage have taken place in progressive, little steps. In those unremarkable moments that occur in every marriage, wrong thoughts, desires, words, and actions changed the character and direction of their marriage; they took place in little moments, and no one was paying attention. 

We all do it. 

It’s not that we suddenly quit loving one another. No, that’s not what typically happens. Marriages don’t typically change with an explosion. Marriages typically change by the process of erosion. Even where marital explosions take place, they usually take place at the end of a long process of erosion. The movement of a marriage from an active commitment to an active lifestyle of unity, understanding, and love rarely takes place in one step. Rather, this movement takes place in ten thousand little steps. 

The problem is that as these changes are taking place we tend to be asleep at the wheel. What we once committed to value and protect has progressively become the thing we take for granted. What we were once deeply appreciative of, we have become used to having over the long haul. The person that was so much the focus of our affection and attention has morphed into little more than the person that we live with—you know, a part of our environment and daily schedule.  

Paul Tripp, What Did You Expect?

(HT:  Erik Raymond)

5 Questions To Ask Your Spouse Every Week

Mike Mobley:

1. How Did You Feel Loved This Past Week?
2. What Does Your Upcoming Week Look Like?
3. How Can I Pray For You This Week?
4. How Would You Feel Loved & Encouraged This Week?
5. How Would You Feel Pursued In Sex & Intimacy This Week?

Click over to read his explanations.  

3 Questions to Keep You Connected With Those that Matter Most

Justin and Trisha:

A few nights ago, after going over our fall calendar, both Trish and I were feeling overwhelmed. How can we stay connected spiritually? How can make sure we don’t drift apart from one another? How do we ensure we’re not just going through the motions. Here are three questions we are asking to help us evaluate our life, schedule and priorities. I am hoping they will keep you connected with those that matter most in your life.

1. How much TV are we watching?Our house has an open concept that we love. It is one the things that helps us connect with one another because our kitchen opens up into our eat in dinning room which opens up into our living room. It also means that our TV is viewable in over 2/3 of the main floor of our house. It is easy at times to allow time in front of the TV to replace time in front of each other. This is a question to ask when you feel disconnected. 

2. How many nights do we eat dinner at the table?Trish is great about asking this question and guarding this value. We do our best to eat around the table at least four nights per week. That is tough, but it is possible most of the time. Conversation flows around the table. We look into each others’ eyes around the table. Stories are told around the table. How many nights do you need to sit around your table to feel connected? 

3. Are we praying together?It’s easy to get spiritually disconnected. There is a spiritual battle that we face every single day. There is a force at work against your family feeling connected to one another. Prayers is the best way to fight back. Sometimes it’s praying on our way to school, sometimes before bed or a big test. Sometimes we pray as we start the day. Praying invites God’s presence into our day and helps us know we are in this together.

Read the rest.  

Two Posts for Singles That Wish To Be Married

• 8 things to convince you of a man's character
• 8 things that reveal a woman's character

Remember, it's direction, not perfection.  

Should You "Test Drive" a Potential Spouse?

Hafeez Baoku:

The primary problem with this notion of sexual chemistry is that it focuses sex on pleasure and performance. Contrary to what Hollywood may suggest, great sex (which is a good, God-honoring thing) isn't the pinnacle of humanity's existence. Sex was created for man, but man was not created for sex. God gave sex as a gift to be exclusively enjoyed by a husband and wife as a means of loving, caring, serving, honoring, and enjoying each other in marriage. So sexual compatibility between a married couple comes neither from ecstasy (how good the sex is) nor frequency (how often you have it) but mainly from intimacy, which occurs as love, trust, security, and respect deepen through the longevity of a monogamous, self-giving, covenant relationship.

Lifelong commitment is something our culture struggles to understand and uphold. If "soulmates" should be tried out sexually, then what was intended for marriage gets ripped from its original context and instead becomes a litmus test for vague, fleeting feelings of compatibility and connection. But this selfish objectification, which involves viewing another as a tool made to meet our sexual standards, has never been God's design for finding a spouse.

In the first marriage account, God declared it's "not good for man to be alone" (Gen. 2:18). So he gave Adam a wife. He didn't give him his own reality show where he could meet Erin, Erica, Emma, and Eliza in order to discover which one would be sexually compatible. He gave Adam one woman, with whom he'd never had sex, and called him to love her for the rest of his life. Why did God do this? Because, in his perfect wisdom, he didn't design the purpose of marriage to be about great sex with the perfect person but about a lifetime of serving and staying with the inevitably imperfect person you've vowed to love.

Read the rest.

The other problem with the "test drive" philosophy is this: What happens when the car breaks down or doesn't run like it used to? Just get a new car?

The Transformational Power of Questions

Guest post by John Poitevent

I was recently in a men's small group setting when the leader asked, "Does anyone have any thoughts or questions?" After an extended awkward silence, one of the the guys we'll call "Joe" spoke up: "I'm afraid", he said. "I'm engaged and I'm afraid of getting married." As Joe took a breath before continuing, the leader jumped in and began what seemed like a five minute rambling monologue on how fear of marriage is normal and reasonable, every guy has it, he had it, don't be surprised by it, and you just have to seek God for strength to push past it. My immediate thought was, "STOP TALKING! Why don't you ask him what he's afraid of ?!" I was frustrated, annoyed and convicted. I'm sure I've done the same thing to many innocent victims. I'm often much more concerned about blessing people with my "wisdom" than I am about patiently taking a journey into the depths of their heart to discover their real need.

I emailed Joe the next day and invited him to get together some time. He gladly accepted and we met for lunch later that week. After a few minutes of small talk, I gently steered the conversation toward our last meeting. "You shared that you were afraid of getting married. Do you mind me asking what your specific fears are?" As Joe eagerly opened up and began to share his story I was taken back. Although he grew up around church and "prayed the prayer" as a child, Joe truly put his faith in Christ when he hit rock bottom just a few years ago. After a drug and alcohol fueled binge that left him unconscious and unemployed, Joe reached out to his brother for help. Not long after they talked, he surrendered his life to Jesus and was baptized. He went to a Christian rehab, joined a Christian recovery group and things seemed to be going great. Then there was the relapse. In the midst of the chaos, his now fiancé became pregnant with their daughter. In response to my original question, Joe said that he is afraid he wouldn't be marrying her if they didn't have a child together. He also fears what might happen if he relapses again. On top of all of this, his brother, who led him to Christ and taught in the marriage ministry at his church, is now separated from his wife. Initially, all I could say was, "Wow. Thanks for sharing." I was so glad I asked "Why?"

Does Joe have anything to be afraid of? Absolutely. Should he just ignore his fears and pray for strength? Absolutely not!

Humbled, I eventually responded with a few ideas about his current situation, but mostly thanked him for his honesty and asked if we could get together again soon. "Definitely", he replied. I hope to share some suggestions with Joe about how to successfully pursue a Christ-centered sobriety and to help him wrestle with his questions about his engagement. But most of all I hope to continue to be his brother; his asking and listening brother.

When we don't ask "why" we are like a doctor who doesn't interview the patient or listen to their symptoms. People's issues are generally far more complex than we realize. Our diagnosis of their problem will most likely be as accurate as the amount of our research. How many times have I been guilty of quickly responding with a Christian cliché or slapping a Bible verse on someone's situation without knowing the full story?

When Jesus encountered a blind beggar, He asked, “What do you want me to do for you?”(Mark 10:46-52) Jesus clearly knew this man's problems and needs, yet He still took time to ask and listen. There are many more examples where Jesus begins His ministry to people by asking questions. Can you think of a few? If the Son of God cares enough to ask and listen, shouldn't we?

I want to ask more questions. I want to listen without waiting for a chance to speak. I want to know people beyond the surface. I want to be better at helping them at their true point of need. I want to be more like Jesus, don't you?

Shepherding a Sick Wife

Kyle Worley with a beautiful post that points to Christ-like leadership of his wife:

She always gets compliments on her voice.  Don’t misunderstand me, she can sing beautifully, but her normal conversational voice has this unique quality to it.  People will say things like, “It’s almost like her voice has the same quality whether she is singing or talking.” I know what they’re talking about, more than they will ever know, and I can’t imagine ever growing tired of hearing it distinctiveness. 

What most people don’t realize is that my wife’s voice has this distinct character to it because she has a genetic lung disease called Cystic Fibrosis.  I remember the first time I saw her doing one of her morning breathing treatments, sitting with this huge black percussion vest on, holding to her lips what looked like the most sophisticated peace pipe in history, and she looked beautiful. 

You see, people told me before I married Lauren, “She is going to require more care than most.” They wanted me to be aware that she was physically broken.  Truth be told, when the Lord set my heart towards Lauren, I would sometimes think, “I don’t know if I can handle caring for a wife who has a lung disease.”  Guess what I found out, I am completely insufficient to the task of “fixing” a sick wife. 

In and of myself, I will neglect her. I will be frustrated by her. My selfishness will rise up within me, and I will fail her. This is why: I have had to cease trying to be my wife’s “all in all.” I have had to beg the Spirit to knock me off my throne of inability and point our hearts to our true Refuge. So, how do you shepherd a sick wife?

Read the rest for his suggestions that have application to all marriages.