Confrontation and the limits of e-mail

Confrontation is a part of life. At times it is more frequent than others and different personality types deal with confrontation in different ways. You don’t experience relational confrontation on some level there is probably something wrong with you and you are currently drowning in a sea of passive aggressive hell that will eventually either send you or those around you to the asylum. That said, I would suggest that we as humans and those who are Christians especially should put some limits around our styles of confrontation. I have one specific limit in mind that I want to address here: Never confront over email.

In the last ten years since I have been thoroughly addicted to my email account, I have had numerous distasteful experiences by confrontation that have taken place via sending and/or receiving emails. Here are some reasons why I believe we should be face-to-face or at least on the phone when dealing with confrontation:

1. Email has no tone or non-verbal communication. Some sociologists say that 80% of all communication is non-verbal. If this is true then we are standing on a very weak leg relationally, if we use e—mail as our dominant form of communication. Having no tone (or limited tone) or non-verbal communication can lead to great confusion when reading an email. What was not intended to be harsh can very easily be read that way when working with a printed form of communication. We need to use great caution and qualification in writing emails on sensitive topics.

2. E-mail gives no opportunity to ask questions or interact in anyway, thus the communication can easily digress into a unedited rank that defiantly could use the natural editing of human give and take in communication.

3. Generally speaking, most people have an easier time venting in print than they would face- to-face. The face-to-face contact can serve as a great filter for those who would easily spew forth statements in an email that they never would say in person.

4. In the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 18, Jesus outlines for us a style for confrontation. The first imperative is to “go to that person”. I think what is implied here is face-to-face contact as that was really the only practical means for communication in antiquity. Is Jesus opposed to e-mail? By no means, but I believe that He has created us to live in vibrant relationships with each other, (see The Great Commandment, the fact that God exists as a vibrant relationship, and that He has created us in him image) e-mail is a form of communication that has great limitations in accomplishing true community.

5. Face-to-face contact serves to humanize the other person as opposed to demonizing them. E-mail creates a disconnect between persons. This distance that is created as a result of the disconnect can often times be enough room to have other person become the arch enemy of all the is good and true in the world instead of being someone who may just have a simple disagreement with you or may have unintentionally offended you.


For what it's worth, I have recently been observing the current debate between Emergent Church type folks and conservative Evangelicals. Although I find that generally speaking the Emergent movement has some serious theological misgivings, I often time hear of them taking the initiative to talk to, or at least attempt to seek out those who are critiquing them and have a meaningful discussion with them. For this, they need to be commended and I am challenged and encouraged by their example of this. In the best-case scenario, we need to critique out of genuine relationship. When there is a void of relationship, or at least the attempt of a relationship, we can step easily into very harmful and dangerous territory.

All in all, can we make it a policy to never confront over email? I think this would greatly enhance our depth of relationships and ability to be truly honest with others. I say we give it a shot.