Terminally Casual Relationships

Paul Tripp:

If I were scroll through the contacts on my phone or search through my Facebook friends or look at the people I follow on Twitter, I could come up with a fairly long list of people I know. I could tell you where they lived, what they did for work, who they were married to, what their kids were doing, and even a few personal preferences or hobbies.

The opposite would also be true - there's a fairly long list of people who would know where I live, what I do, who my wife and kids are, and a few things that I enjoy in my free time. But here's the real question - how many people do I actually know, and how many people really know me?

I'm afraid that, in the body of Christ, we settle for terminally casual relationships all the time. Sure, we have acquired some superficial data on people we call friends, but we don't actually know them. We participate in weekly or monthly "church fellowship" but there's actually very little fellowship going on.

Read the rest.

Six Lessons in Good Listening

This is so important in loving people well.

David Mathis:

1. Good listening requires patience.
2. Good listening is an act of love.
3. Good listening asks perceptive questions.
4. Good listening is ministry.
5. Good listening prepares us to speak well.
6. Good listening reflects our relationship with God.

Read the rest.

Looking For a Mentor?

Kyle Worley:

If you have been struggling with finding a mentor, let me give you three suggestions:

1. Pick Up a Book

Whether you buy, download or borrow—you need to get your hands on great books. Don’t know where to start? We have a whole page on our website of recommended resources. 

If I am thinking about how I can grow as a godly husband, I might schedule an appointment with Paul Tripp, who I have met with many times (though he has no idea), and have him ask me, What Did You Expect? When I find myself struggling with understanding the nature and effects of sin, I meet with my friend Wayne Grudem and his Systematic Theology. The margins of my friendship with Grudem are scarred with a thousand conversations. I pray with the Puritans in The Valley of Vision, wrestle with Calvin in the halls of the Institutes of The Christian Religion and marvel at The Glory of Christ with Owen.

1. Have a Conversation With the Author

When an author writes a book—a good book—he has started a conversation; one that he hopes you will join. When I begin reading a good book, I shed ink across the page like a wounded soldier in the midst of a battle. I want to leave my books bloody or be left bloody by the work of the book. 

Use the margins to ask questions. Underline what you like and highlight what you love. If you disagree with the author, go to battle with him in the margins. When you begin to discuss the book with yourself, you transition from reading for information accumulation to spiritual formation. 

Al Mohler has written an excellent article, “The Reading of Books,” that can serve as a useful resource when learning to have a conversation with an author.

1. Reflect, Apply and Discuss

Most people hate reading because they aren’t listening. They see words on a page instead of hearing a conversation. Don’t just read a book; listen to it. Reflect on what the author is claiming, arguing or asking. Ask questions like, “How does this look in my life?” 

After reflecting on the book, attempt to apply what you found most helpful. If you are reading a book on worry and the author tells you that prayer is a key tool in trusting Christ during seasons of anxiety, put the book down and pray. You don’t have to wait until you finish to begin applying its insights. 

As you begin to practice what you’ve read, do so in the light of Christian community. Let those Christian brothers and sisters that you share your life with know that you are going to be reading a book on fasting as you begin to exercise this spiritual discipline. Talk to your friends about the book you are reading on purity as you struggle with porn addiction.

My shelves are full of mentors—faithful friends who never replace the community of the local church, but serve to supplement my growth as I participate in the family of God. My shelves are full of mentors; would you like to borrow one? 

Read the rest.  

The Beauty and War of True Fellowship

David Mathis with a great post on fellowship.

His intro:

It’s a shame the word “fellowship” has fallen on hard times in some circles, and is dying the death of domestication and triviality. It is an electric reality in the New Testament, an indispensable ingredient in the Christian faith, and one of God’s chief means of grace in our lives. 

The koinonia — the commonality, partnership, fellowship — which the first Christians shared wasn’t a common love for pizza, pop, and a nice clean evening of fun among the fellow churchified. It was their common Christ, and their common life-or-death mission together in his summons to take the faith worldwide in the face of impending persecution. 

Rightly did Tolkien call his nine a “Fellowship of the Ring.” This is no chummy hobnob with apps and drinks and a game on the tube. It is an all-in, life-or-death collective venture in the face of great evil and overwhelming opposition. True fellowship is less like friends gathered to watch the Super Bowl, and more like players on the field in blood, sweat, and tears, huddled in the backfield only in preparation for the next down. True fellowship is more the invading troops side by side on the beach at Normandy, than it is the gleeful revelers in the street on V.E. Day.

His conclusion:

Fellowship may be the often forgotten middle child of the spiritual disciplines, but she may save your life in the dark night of your soul. As you pass through the valley of the shadow of death, and the Shepherd comforts you with his staff, you will discover that he has fashioned his people to act as his rod of rescue. When the desire has dried up to avail yourself of hearing his voice (the word), and when your spiritual energy is gone to speak into his ear (prayer), he sends his body to bring you back. It’s typically not the wanderer’s own efforts that prompt his return to the fold, but his brothers’ (James 5:19–20), being to him a priceless means of God’s grace — the invaluable backstop. 

It is not only God’s word and prayer that are the means of his ongoing grace, but true fellowship among those who have in common the one who is Grace incarnate (Titus 2:11). The grace of God cannot be quarantined to individuals. The healthy Christian, introverted or not, of whatever temperament, in whatever season, seeks not to minimize relationships with his fellows in Christ, but maximize them. 

God has given us each other in the church, not just for company and co-belligerency, not just to chase away loneliness and lethargy, but to be to each other an indispensable means of his divine favor. We are for each other an essential element of the good work God has begun in us and promises to bring to completion (Philippians 1:6). Such is true fellowship.

Read the rest.

A Letter To Everyone Who Doesn't Have a Valentine

Stephen Altrogge writes a helpful post here that should encourage anyone who thinks Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year.

His points:

• Being single does not make you any less valuable or any less of a person. 
• Being single does not mean you are incomplete. 
• Singleness is not a holding pattern. 
• Your church needs you. 
• Turn your loneliness to prayer. 
• Beware of unique temptations. 
• Remember that marriage is not the end all.

Click through to read the explanations.  

3 Checkpoints for Spiritual Drift

Michael Kelley:

Drifting is something that happens over time. It’s slow and steady, almost imperceptible. It can happen so gradually in fact that it goes without notice. That’s the real problem with drifting spiritually – you don’t know it’s happening until it’s already happened. 

But what if you could? Are there certain checkpoints that, if they appear in your life, you know that the drifting has started? That the rope tied to the anchor of faith has started to let out? That you are slowly moving in a direction that you didn’t intend to go? I think there are, and here’s three to think about. 

1. Habits.All of us live in some kind of routine whether we know it or not. These routines can come about either intentionally or unintentionally. On the intentional side, it might be that you make yourself exercise or study the Bible; unintentionally it could be something as simple as always washing your hands when you come into the house from outside. It’s not something you planned; it’s just something you do. 

One of the checkpoints for spiritual drift, I believe, is to take a look at your habits. See what patterns are emerging unintentionally. These patterns will give you a good indication of where your heart is moving. If, say, you are slowly moving toward the habit of self-isolation or over extending your schedule, then you know you need to take action in order to recenter yourself. Similarly, if you are getting out of the habit of daily Bible study, prayer, and honest conversation then the rope might be letting out a bit. 

2. Response to sin.Sin can become a habit; so can our response to it. There is a certain sorrow that should accompany our sin. That sorrow is actually a good thing because it’s an indicator that we are grasping, at least in small part, the gravity of what it is we are doing. But if you find yourself becoming more and more flippant about the sin in your life, and correspondingly less and less worried about it, it’s a strong sign that you are moving further and further out. 

3. Relationships with others.It continues to amaze me just how connected our relationships with others are with our relationship with God. The vertical always impacts the horizontal. So if you find yourself being easily angered, quickly annoyed, judgmental, or simply not as understanding and kind as you once were, that’s not just an issue you have with the people in your home or the workplace. It’s probably an indicator that something else is going on. I know for me one of the clearest indicators about the state of my relationship with God is how I am treating my wife and my kids. 

These certainly aren’t the only ways to tell if you’re drifting spiritually. They are, however, I think 3 good checkpoints. If we examine our habits, our response to sin, and our relationships with others, I think we will be able to see whether or not we are paying the kind of close attention we need to in order to avoid that unintentionally drifting from God.

Books by Michael Kelley

• Transformational Discipleship: How People Really Grow 
• Boring: Finding an Extraordinary God in an Ordinary Life 
• Wednesdays were Pretty Normal: A Boy, Cancer, And God

You Know You Are In a Gospel-Centered Community When...

Great summary here from Tim Brister:

• believers practice confession instead of trying to make an impression
• people are defined by a lifestyle of repenting rather than pretending
• you embrace truth at all costs, not agreeing for each others approval
• light exposes & wounds and love covers & heals – both/and not either/or
• people are happy to be holy not content to be comfortable
• you own your mess because of His mercy instead of hiding them because of your shame
• functional saviors & heart idolatry are lovingly confronted & challenged by Christ’s reign & rule
• unbelieving sinners & believing sinners together look away from themselves & look to Jesus
• the pleasure of God in Christ to save you liberates you to passionately serve others
• hospitality is given to those on the margins & those not like you are welcome in your world
• individual preferences take a back seat to community purposes of loving God and neighbor

“I don’t deserve to be treated like this!”

A great post on relational reconciliation, especially in marriage.

Sex, Dating, and Relationship - An Interview

Justin Taylor posts a great interview with Gerald Hiestand on Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach (Crossway, 2012), co-authored with Jay Thomas.

Great Questions to Battle Christian Isolation

Brian Howard:

Christianity is not simply attending a church service. Christianity is not only personal. Beyond having a personal relationship with God and attending a church service on Sundays, the Scriptures clearly show Christians having close relationships with each other. These relationships go beyond Sundays. Are you living out what God really has for you? 

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Who are you daily living life with?
2. Who in your life truly knows your struggles?
3. Who are you encouraging continuously?
4. Who are you regularly praying with?
5. Who is praying for you?
6. Who are you partnering with to reach unbelievers that you know?
7. Who can correct you?
8. Who are you investing in?
9. With whom do you meet with to discuss what God is teaching you?
10. Who would be by your hospital bed to pray for you and encourage you?
11. Who will not allow you to walk away from your marriage or from the faith?
12. Are you faithfully participating in the life of a local church?
13. Who would you meet with if your marriage was in trouble?
14. Who have you counseled with the Word of God recently?

God’s design for you is not to live out your Christian life personally. The clear pattern of the New Testament is that every Christian would have a network of close spiritual friendships. God wants so much more for us than we often realize. Consider going beyond the individualistic, event-driven, western Christianity that many of us are so familiar with. Instead, embrace God’s design for living the Christian life.

We Are Obsessed With Personal Promotion

Lost At Sea, in Space, in the Cloud

Brett McCracken:

Are these movie and TV narratives reflecting the unforeseen isolation of the iPod age? As we further individualize our mediated and cultured lives and embrace the freedom to dance to whatever cultural beat we like, are we simply left spinning and dizzy? That’s certainly the way I felt after watching Gravity and, to a lesser extent, All is Lost: dizzy, unsteady, destabilized, sea-sick. I was left feeling hungry for ballast, for anchors, for solidity; for something outside of myself to offer orientation.

Because going to Blockbuster on a Friday night used to be overwhelming enough. But at least the options were finite. These days the sheer ubiquity of all that is available, all that is recommended, all that is buzzed about in ceaseless streams of 140-character bursts, leaves me with a bit of vertigo: spinning like Sandra Bullock in Gravity, pulled in a million directions at the mercy of vacuity, untethered and uncertain which way is up

Read the rest.

10 Love Challenges

David Murray:

All Christians want to bless the church, witness to the world, and grow in assurance of faith. But did you know that there’s one thing you can do that accomplishes all three of these aims at once?

Love other Christians.

Yes, loving other Christians produces the triple benefit of encouraging believers, evangelizing unbelievers (Jn. 13:35), and assuring ourselves that we are believers (1 Jn. 3:14, 19).

But how do we do this? Yesterday I gave my congregation 10 Love Challenges that translate the sometimes nebulous idea of love into very practical, do-able actions. In some ways each action might not seem very much; each challenge has only one fairly quick and easy action per month. However, when multiplied by 100 or 200 Christians, the cumulative effect on your whole congregation could be huge.

Read the rest.

The Wisdom of Walking Away From Some Relationships

Donald Miller:

Recently I’ve been giving a lecture about how we will become like the people we hang out with. It’s true. In five years, you’ll become a conglomerate of the people you spend the most time with. In fact, if I wanted to know who you were going to be five years from now, I’d not ask what you do, what education you have, what you eat or whether you exercise, though all those things have an impact. Instead, I’d want to spend a little time with the folks you spend time with. That alone would tell me who you were going to become. 

We are intensely relational beings. We become like each other. It’s just a fact. 

For this reason, I recommend analyzing all our relationships. Literally put them all on a map and ask ourselves whether we want to become like these people or not. If we don’t, I strongly believe that, if possible, we should consider letting some relationships go.It’s scandalous, I know. But I recommend it all the same. 

Occasionally, if I’m speaking to a group of Christians I’ll have somebody ask whether Jesus would ever walk away from somebody. My answer is that He not only would, He did. 

In the story of the rich young ruler, Jesus asked him to follow Him, to join Him, to develop a relationship on His terms. The rich young ruler declined, as we know, and Jesus stood and grieved because He loved the young man. And then Jesus walked away. Jesus didn’t go live with the man, giving up His important mission to settle down and play video games and swim in the guy’s pool. Jesus walked away. 

Sometimes we take the idea that Jesus goes after the lost sheep to mean we should become like the unhealthy people around us. But this of course is foolish. We should have a direction in life, we should become people who are more and more sanctified, and we should be inviting others to join us. And if they won’t come, we grieve. But we move on all the same. Some relationships simply aren’t good for us. You aren’t rejecting them, they’re choosing not to come with you. 

This simple paradigm shift helped me a great deal.

Four Lies About Introverts

Amie Patrick: 

I'm an introvert. Most people who don't know me well wouldn't guess this about me, but it's true. On a practical level, being an introvert means I'm generally more energized by time alone than by time with people, and I have a preference for a less externally stimulating environment. I feel very alive in a quiet, empty room. On the introversion/extroversion spectrum I fall closer to the middle, but still lean decidedly toward the introverted side.

The process of understanding introversion and the way it's expressed in my life has been both a tremendous relief and also an ongoing source of doubt and concern. My daily reality is people-intensive and externally stimulating. I'm married to an extrovert, we have four children, and we live in an urban setting. Our home and surroundings are fun and energetic—not exactly low-stimulus. My husband pastors a large church, and we're involved with many congregations and ministries throughout the world; consequently, our social circles are large and complex. To complicate things even further, my spiritual gifts are often expressed publicly as are the (non-innate!) social skills I've managed to learn and practice over time. These realities, combined with my definite need for quiet and solitude, have often left me and others confused about who I really am.

The lie I'm most tempted to believe is that the way God has wired me is incompatible with the life he's called me to live. The logical conclusion of this lie is that joy and contentment aren't possible—and that constant frustration is inevitable.

It took a while for me to unearth and articulate that lie under the layers of fear, doubt, and insecurity it was producing. I knew these beliefs didn't line up with God's character or promises, but it's taken extended immersion in the truth of God's Word to renew my mind and dismantle that deception. Along the way, I've discovered some subtle and not-so-subtle assumptions I'd unwittingly latched onto over time.

Read the rest for some great explanations of what introverts are and are not.

Recommended reading:  Introverts in the Church

Great Questions To Evaluate If You Are Living in True Community

Brian Howard:

Christianity is not simply attending a church service. Christianity is not only personal. Beyond having a personal relationship with God and attending a church service on Sundays, the Scriptures clearly show Christians having close relationships with each other. These relationships go beyond Sundays. Are you living out what God really has for you? Ask yourself the following questions:

• Who are you daily living life with?
• Who in your life truly knows your struggles?
• Who are you encouraging continuously?
• Who are you regularly praying with?
• Who is praying for you?
• Who are you partnering with to reach unbelievers that you know?
• Who can correct you?
• Who are you investing in?
• With whom do you meet with to discuss what God is teaching you?
• Who would be by your hospital bed to pray for you and encourage you?
• Who will not allow you to walk away from your marriage or from the faith?
• Are you faithfully participating in the life of a local church?
• Who would you meet with if your marriage was in trouble?
• Who have you counseled with the Word of God recently?

God’s design for you is not to live out your Christian life personally. The clear pattern of the New Testament is that every Christian would have a network of close spiritual friendships. God wants so much more for us than we often realize. Consider going beyond the individualistic, event-driven, western Christianity that many of us are so familiar with. Instead, embrace God’s design for living the Christian life.

Tim Keller on Why Relationships Are a Big Deal

“Ultimate reality is a community of persons who know and love one another. That is what the universe, God, history, and life is all about. If you favor money, power, and accomplishment over human relationships, you will dash yourself on the rocks of reality […] 

[it is] impossible […] to stay fully human if you refuse the cost of forgiveness, the substitutional exchange of love, and the confinements of community. 

[…] We believe the world was made by a God who is a community of persons who have loved each other for all eternity. You were made for mutually self-giving, other directed love.  Self-centeredness destroys the fabric of what God has made.”

- Tim Keller, The Reason for God 

"Sarcasm often gives us license to be lightheartedly hateful."

Interesting post here from Lindsey Carlson.

She writes:

It's insincere. When a friend says something hurtful to me, I might say, "Man! What a jerk!" The semi-joking tone suggests I'm only kidding. Really, I mean it with all my heart. By making jokes I pretend I'm not hurt. I jab back and hope my sharp humor sends the message loud and clear: "I'm hurt. Back off." When in pain, I slip on sarcasm as a mask.

It's lazy. It's certainly easier and less socially awkward to hide behind humor when I feel threatened or embarrassed. But dealing in sarcasm is at best a temporary fix and at worst a catalyst for deeper and more substantial relational strain. Primarily or, worse, exclusivelyconfronting troubles in sarcasm is a passive-aggressive way to address my own sins and the sins of others.

It's dangerous. Regularly wielding sarcasm as a shield or a weapon—whether intentionally or unintentionally—can be problematic and dangerous. When I'm well-versed in witty banter yet lacking in words of edification and love, my sarcastic personality is no longer humorous; it's just hurtful.

Some good questions to ask:

1. Is there even an ounce of truth behind my sarcasm?
2. Would God be more glorified by my silence than my humor?
3. Will words of edification bring more joy to the hearer than words of sarcasm?

Read the rest.  

13 Ways to Grow Relational Capital

Great post here for leaders and leadership development from Brandon Andersen.  Relationships are everything in ministry and this post helps us think that through.

Lying Ruins Relationships

Exhibit A.  It's a deep burn.

Careful now... Self-righteousness is knocking on your door.