Some Blessings For Your Marriage Today

Some great ideas here.

How Many Marriages Can You Think of That You Would Honestly Want to Emulate?

I want you to do something. Make a list in your head of the marriages you’ve seen that you actually like. How many married couples can you think of that have a thriving marriage — a good, happy, alive marriage — the kind of marriage that makes other people want to get married?

How many marriages did you think of?

I’ve tried this question on many people. Most people can come up with only one or two examples of strong, lively, and attractive marriages. I want to change that.

Things don’t have to stay the way they are.

Justin Buzzard, Date Your Wife

Get the book to learn how.

Husbands: Don’t Treat your Wife Like a Guy

Erik Raymond:

The bottom-line for guys is that we have got to be intentional in the romancing of our wives. We cannot become complacent or lazy. We cannot plateau or go backwards. It’s not an option.

One suggestion I have in addition to the above is to ask your wife how you are doing. Does she think you treat her like a guy? Does she think she is the most important person in the world to you? Does she feel like you know her? How does she rate your ability to romance her?

Read the rest.

For some good ideas on how to do this, get this book.

What might be a surprising way to love your wife?

Brian Croft writes well here.

A Date Night Gone Wrong and What I Learned

A few days ago on Valentine's Day my wife and I had a "family" date planned.  We have been a bit maxed out on the babysitter budget so instead of going out, we had a fun night planned at the house together with the kids.  Kim had prepared steak and lobster.  We had a great bottle of wine.  The kitchen was alive with great smells.  I had some activities planning after the kids went to bed (men, I can read your mind, think non-sexual) and was looking forward to having some intentional time with my wife.

Then our three year old got his finger smashed in a folding chair.  It was a pretty nasty.  We called a friend from church who is a pediatrician and he was graciously willing to stop by the house on his way home from work.  Long story short we had to take our little guy to the ER to get the nail removed and he and his mommy sat there until 11:30 that night.

Our little guy is doing fine now but obviously date night was shot.  It was a big downer but we were able to move some things around and have the same type of at home date night last Wednesday night.  It worked well.  We had a nice dinner with the kids, put them to bed, and then had some intentional marriage time around the kitchen table with a bottle of wine, some candles, and desert.  The kids were still awake for awhile but at least they stayed in their beds.

Things I think went well:

1.  Male initiation.  My wife loves it when I take the lead and initiate what we are going to do for date night.  This doesn't mean that I don't ask her what she would like or don't listen to her suggestions, but rather, what speaks most to her is the fact that I am thinking about her.  She loves the sense of anticipation that comes with not knowing what we are going to do and that I have it taken care of.  Men, the last thing your wife desires is a man who has a "whatever" attitude towards her and romance.  Initiation speaks volumes.  Passivity is not an option.  A little effort goes a long way in your wife's book.

2.  My own handwriting.  I wrote Kim a letter and read it out loud to her.  She cried.  I almost did too.  I have written her cards and such quite a bit in the past but never read them out loud to her.  In addition, I live in a paperless universe now.  My life is lived on my computer and I rarely ever write anything by hand.  I think the technological culture that we live in makes writing things by hand that much more meaningful, especially a letter to those you love most.  I could tell that I don't write that much by hand anymore when I was reading it to her and stumbling over my own handwriting.

3.  Questions that draw out heart issues.  We also spent some time going through this book that has really good questions about marriage that draw out heart issues, vision for life issues, and God issues related to the relationship.  We have used this book since day one of our marriage but only break it out every so often.  It is great to look back on some of our answers from years past and works really well as conversation starters.  Men, many of you have communication challenges and your wife is dying to have you get better at this.  There is no shame in imposing a structure (a book like this) upon yourself to help oil up the gears of your mouth and mind in order to win the heart of your wife.

I don't write about a great date night to pat myself on the back.  I am the guy who early on in our marriage (or dating, I can't remember) totally forgot Valentines Day.  Not good.  I also have to be frequently reminded that my idea of romance (sexual) is not always the same as my wife's (usually starts as non-sexual).  You would think it wouldn't take me long to learn this one.  Think again.  I am in process.

I have had more failures than successes in terms of romance with my wife but it is good for me to reflect on what is going well (by God's grace alone) in our marriage and maybe it will encourage you as well.

Men, one more thought...  Many of you, like me, feel quite creatively challenged when it comes to romance with your wife.  Let me give you a piece of advice: Just ASK your wife how she defines romance and then write it down and do it.  You wife would much rather have a man who is willing to humbly ask, be teachable, and listen to her and he suggestions, than a man who is autonomously overflowing with spontaneously creative date night ideas but won't humbly listen to her and be teachable.

Six Second Kiss

Jani Ortlund:

What can six seconds do for you? Woman to woman, let me encourage you that just six seconds a day can help safeguard your marriage.

How you say goodbye as you and your husband begin your day can help you build a lifelong romance. Ray and I say send each other off each morning with a six-second kiss, and after 39 years of marriage, I highly recommend it!

After years of a quick shout from somewhere near the back door, it started with “Goodbye, honey. See you tonight . . .” which left us both wanting more. It stopped when we decided that before we went out to face our day we would scout the other out, wrap each other up in a warm embrace, and begin our day with an intimate, very married, six-second kiss.

Try it. Tomorrow when you say goodbye, take your husband’s face in your hands. Look deeply into his eyes. Ask him to hold you for just six seconds. Tell him you love him. Admire him. Tell him you can’t wait until the day is done and you’ll have time together again, and then kiss him like you mean it.

Go ahead. Try it! Your young children will grow up feeling secure in the love between their parents. Your adolescents will blush, groan, and hope their friends don’t see you. Your teens will hope that someday they can build a marriage like their parents. And if there are no children around? Hmmmm, now there’s an interesting situation!

“Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him and would not let him go . . .” Song of Solomon 3:4

D8night Tips From Mark Driscoll

Mark Driscoll:

Parents, if you can’t afford a sitter, is there a way to set up a rotation with three other families to take turns each week watching kids for date night?

Husbands, when is your date night? Your wife needs it. You do, too. Grace and I have enjoyed Friday date nights for about 20 years.

Husbands, don’t waste every date night at a movie where you can’t talk. Use the time to visit with your wife, draw her out, and study her like you do the Bible.

Husbands, plan out your date nights. Ask you wife in advance what sounds good, see what your options are, and make a plan. She’ll be thankful.

Date night killers: no plan, selfishness, laziness, letting technology keep interrupting, and doing the same old predictable thing.

Time with other couples now and then is OK, but if most date nights involve other people, there is likely an intimacy disconnect in the marriage.

Dads, moms who stay home all day with the kids need to get dressed up, taken out, and have some adult conversation with their husbuddy.

Husbands, what can you do to find some creative ways to make date night fun and endearing even on a tight budget?

Husbands, what can you start doing days or hours before date night to build the expectation of connection with your wife? Flowers, cards, calls, texts?

When life gets crazy, the kids are sick, etc. is there any way to sneak in a bit of a date night at home with say a soak in the tub together, glass of wine etc. after the kids go to sleep?

Sometimes sending the kids out to someone’s house and having a date night at home can be cheap and fun if planned right.

Men, you don’t pursue a woman to marry her and stop pursuing her. You pursue a woman to marry her and pursue her with more passion and creativity than ever. How’s it going husbands?

Men, you don’t need to understand women. You will be doing better than most men to understand just one woman. Date nights are to ask inviting questions, listen, and learn about her. It’s also a night to open up and let her do the same.

Men, if you don’t date your wife, someone else may eventually volunteer for the job.

Ladies, sometimes it’s a great gift to go into your husband’s world for a date night by doing something like putting on a jersey going to a game and eating a hot dog. His love language may just be hot dog.

Men: find a shirt with buttons, try two eyebrows instead of one, find a breath mint or 20, show up with a gift, don’t ogle other women, and go to a restaurant that does not have a spork.

Romance Reminder For Women

Kevin DeYoung continues his two part series for Valentine's Day with a post for women. Ladies, as a husband, I can tell you that this is good advice.

He writes:

Question 1: Do you desire your husband’s desire? Yes, women, I am talking about sexual desire, because that’s what Song of Solomon is talking about. She was so eager for “him whom my soul loves” that she started traipsing through the city looking for him, or at least had a dream that she was (3:1ff). Her desire for her man revved her chariot engines (6:12).

“But I can’t just turn on a desire like this,” you might say. True, but it was almost surely turned on once upon a time. So what will help turn the ignition again?

Marriages go through different seasons. We shouldn’t expect the years with three children under the age of three to be like second honeymoon. But if the husband said, “Eh, I don’t find my wife attractive any more; I don’t really think she is “most beautiful among women” we’d tell that chump to check his eyes and figure out a way turn the ship around. So shouldn’t we challenge women in the same way? Husbands should think their wives are beautiful, and wives should think their husbands desirable. It’s time to catch the little foxes spoiling the vineyard of desire (2:15).

And here’s a hint for the guys who want to help with the catch: the little foxes are probably related to you, cry a lot, go stanky in their pants, and cling like barnacles to your wife’s leg. Get a sitter.

Question 2: Does your husband know of your desire? “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell him I am sick with love” (5:8). Jiminy Cricket! Guys, can you imagine the ladies at church approaching you at the nursery station, “Your wife is waiting for you in the car and she wanted us to pass along that she is sick with love for you.” You would be out the door faster than a Baptist benediction. Dear wives, I don’t know a single husband who wouldn’t be absolutely thrilled to get a message like this. And if you don’t trust your gossipy girlfriends to deliver it, an email from you to his work account at around 4pm will more than suffice. He won’t be late for dinner.

But perhaps, ladies, you fear that your husband will expect the world if you ever spoke to him like this. That’s possible, but I doubt it because you just gave him the world. Your expression of desire means more than you can possibly know. Five carefully chosen verses from Song of Solomon will keep your man galloping for a week.

One last thought for husbands and wives: don’t be afraid to say more than you may even be feeling. I know that sound ghastly, like forced romantic hypocrisy. But why do we always assume that it has to be wrong to say what we may not exactly be feeling? Maybe the problem is in the other direction, that we don’t feel enough of what we are saying. If so, the antidote isn’t to stop saying romantic things. In fact, maybe you’ve stopped feeling certain things because it’s been too long since you’ve said them. It’s ok sometimes to speak better than we feel. Share your attraction and share your desire. Say it loud and proud. Your spouse’s heart will skip a beat, and yours might just run ahead to catch up with your mouth.

Romance Reminder For Men

Kevin DeYoung writes some reflections on the Song of Solomon for men as we head towards Valentine's Day.  He writes:

Question 1: Do you gush over your wife? I mean, do you really pile on the compliments? No need to ration here. The more you speak them the freer they come. So why so stingy in telling your bride she’s more stunning than elegance wrapped in sweetness covered in perfection?

Yes, the bit about “hair like a flock of goats” doesn’t translate well, so skip that line. Don’t worry about sounding poetic or trying to compare her features to local topography. Just tell say something like: “Behold, you are beautiful, my love, you are beautiful” (4:1). Or try this: “Who is this who looks like the dawn, beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awesome as an army with banners.” Oh yeah, that’ll work.

Tell your bride she is the most gorgeous, most precious, most amazing woman you’ve ever laid eyes on.

Tell her that she still turns your head and makes your heart race. Lay it on thick brothers. You should mean it, of course, but if you don’t, just keep telling her until you do. Nothing kills romance like expressions of calculated affection.

Question 2: Do you pursue your wife? Words are wonderful, but pursuit may be even more powerful. Now listen, guys, don’t get all weird and stalker-like. Remember, you should pursue her as she likes to be pursued, not as you do. So surprise her. Woo her. Take her away (without the kids for heaven’s sake).

Even after years of marriage keep using words like “Come” and “Let’s.” Be a man. Be a leader. Try to impress her. You managed to do it once, but chances are much of your impressiveness has worn off under the rough edges of career, laziness, and time. Men shouldn’t get married so they can stop pursuing women. We get married so we can perfect the pursuit with same woman over a lifetime. Don’t give up the chase gentlemen.

Believe me, brothers, I write as one who needs to learn.

Valentines Day - Thinking Ahead

I have a hard time thinking ahead for days like Valentines Day.  I usually find myself throwing something together at the last minute. This probably doesn't honor my wife as much as it could if I were more proactive.  So you might want to think ahead and click below to get your special someone something good from Amazon.com. 

Him or Her

Sponsor Feature - Things To Do For Two

Take Your Vitamin Z recently welcomed another sponsor to the team:  Things To Do For Two.  As a guy who struggles at times to be creative for date nights with my wife, I found this site to be quite helpful.  Here is a description from site owners, Brad and Susan Murray:

Things To Do For Two was born out of our attempts to find things to do together that are budget-friendly and fun. After countless Google searches for couple friendly activities went nowhere, we decided to take matters into our own hands and start our own blog.

Since July of 2009 we have been documenting our experiences as a young married couple. Seeing as we couldn’t be more opposite, our ideas of fun don’t always match. For that reason we provide both of our perspectives on each activity - the “He Said” and “She Said” sections.

Our ideas go from traditional, downright wacky, to simply putting a twist on the typical date. Whether you’re a couple born for outdoor adventure or content with dates at home, we attempt to cover all of the bases, even if it means going outside of our comfort zones.

When our ideas don’t turn out as planned and our fun turns to fury, we tell the truth. But we always try to find the silver lining in each activity. Our hope is that sharing our experiences will inspire others to be creative, have fun, and enjoy spending time with the ones they love.

We have lots of fun things planned for 2010, including our attempt to conquer our fear of flying, our winter escape and more exciting giveaways. 

Guys especially, bookmark Things To Do For Two , follow on twitter, subscribe to their feed, or be a fan on their Facebook page and initate fun and creative dates with your wife!

8 Great Date Night Ideas

This post was helpful for me. Sometime I lack creativity in this area. I'm sure some of you might feel the same as me. 8 Great Date Night Ideas.

Love Your Wife Above All Others

Scott Sterner:

In the closing chapter of Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God, C.J. Mahaney reminds husbands that nothing, aside from their love for God, should contest their love and affection for their wife. Not the children, sports, careers, etc. Because our marriage covenant is a reflection of God's covenant with the church, I wholeheartedly agree that guarding our heart for our God and our spouse is fundamental in our life having purpose and integrity for the glory of God. Here's a quote C.J. shares from the puritan John Wing:

A husbands love for his wife, "must be the most dear, intimate, precious and entire that the heart can have toward a creature; none but the love of God.... is above it, none but the love of ourselves is to follow it, all the love of others is inferior to it."

I Say Amen To These!

Girl Talk Blog:

I hope you’ve been brainstorming—and acting—to do your husband good (‘cause remember, you have unique gifts and are called by God to do him good). But, if you are creatively challenged like me, you might need some ideas to get you started.

When we discussed this topic at my church a while back, some ladies got together and came up with a short list of ideas. So here are “10 Ways To Do Your Husband Good.” Monday is a great day to start!

10 Ways to Do Your Husband Good (Proverbs 31:12)

* Write him a love note and place it in his sock drawer.
* Take an entire evening to enjoy his favorite hobby with him.
* Show up at work with a special drink or take him to lunch.
* Encourage him for demonstrating a specific godly trait—in front of friends.
* Arrange a datenight at his favorite restaurant.
* Pray for him today and tell him you are doing so.
* Surprise him with his favorite dessert after dinner.
* Greet him in an extra-special way when he comes home from work.
* Lead the children in a time of honoring him.
* Ask him: “What is one way I can be a better wife?” Then do it!