A Date Night Gone Wrong and What I Learned

A few days ago on Valentine's Day my wife and I had a "family" date planned.  We have been a bit maxed out on the babysitter budget so instead of going out, we had a fun night planned at the house together with the kids.  Kim had prepared steak and lobster.  We had a great bottle of wine.  The kitchen was alive with great smells.  I had some activities planning after the kids went to bed (men, I can read your mind, think non-sexual) and was looking forward to having some intentional time with my wife.

Then our three year old got his finger smashed in a folding chair.  It was a pretty nasty.  We called a friend from church who is a pediatrician and he was graciously willing to stop by the house on his way home from work.  Long story short we had to take our little guy to the ER to get the nail removed and he and his mommy sat there until 11:30 that night.

Our little guy is doing fine now but obviously date night was shot.  It was a big downer but we were able to move some things around and have the same type of at home date night last Wednesday night.  It worked well.  We had a nice dinner with the kids, put them to bed, and then had some intentional marriage time around the kitchen table with a bottle of wine, some candles, and desert.  The kids were still awake for awhile but at least they stayed in their beds.

Things I think went well:

1.  Male initiation.  My wife loves it when I take the lead and initiate what we are going to do for date night.  This doesn't mean that I don't ask her what she would like or don't listen to her suggestions, but rather, what speaks most to her is the fact that I am thinking about her.  She loves the sense of anticipation that comes with not knowing what we are going to do and that I have it taken care of.  Men, the last thing your wife desires is a man who has a "whatever" attitude towards her and romance.  Initiation speaks volumes.  Passivity is not an option.  A little effort goes a long way in your wife's book.

2.  My own handwriting.  I wrote Kim a letter and read it out loud to her.  She cried.  I almost did too.  I have written her cards and such quite a bit in the past but never read them out loud to her.  In addition, I live in a paperless universe now.  My life is lived on my computer and I rarely ever write anything by hand.  I think the technological culture that we live in makes writing things by hand that much more meaningful, especially a letter to those you love most.  I could tell that I don't write that much by hand anymore when I was reading it to her and stumbling over my own handwriting.

3.  Questions that draw out heart issues.  We also spent some time going through this book that has really good questions about marriage that draw out heart issues, vision for life issues, and God issues related to the relationship.  We have used this book since day one of our marriage but only break it out every so often.  It is great to look back on some of our answers from years past and works really well as conversation starters.  Men, many of you have communication challenges and your wife is dying to have you get better at this.  There is no shame in imposing a structure (a book like this) upon yourself to help oil up the gears of your mouth and mind in order to win the heart of your wife.

I don't write about a great date night to pat myself on the back.  I am the guy who early on in our marriage (or dating, I can't remember) totally forgot Valentines Day.  Not good.  I also have to be frequently reminded that my idea of romance (sexual) is not always the same as my wife's (usually starts as non-sexual).  You would think it wouldn't take me long to learn this one.  Think again.  I am in process.

I have had more failures than successes in terms of romance with my wife but it is good for me to reflect on what is going well (by God's grace alone) in our marriage and maybe it will encourage you as well.

Men, one more thought...  Many of you, like me, feel quite creatively challenged when it comes to romance with your wife.  Let me give you a piece of advice: Just ASK your wife how she defines romance and then write it down and do it.  You wife would much rather have a man who is willing to humbly ask, be teachable, and listen to her and he suggestions, than a man who is autonomously overflowing with spontaneously creative date night ideas but won't humbly listen to her and be teachable.