The Twitter Disconnect: Why Christians are More Loving in Real Life

Ryan Hamm:

When we argue in real life, it’s often a very private affair, with the possibility of reconciliation with an apology, confession, and mutual submission to God. When we argue on Twitter, it’s out there for anyone to see—and embed on whatever site they want.

Perhaps it’s time for Christians to reconsider how we use social media. What are we saying to one another that we wouldn’t say offline? Are we speaking to one another as humans, or as presumed enemies of whatever cause we most strongly believe in—even causes and beliefs that are of vital importance to the Gospel? How do we cultivate a persona of holiness in our daily lives and how can we carry that cultivation into our online lives? Why are our words online disconnected from the stuff of holiness?

Whatever Twitter brouhaha happens among the faithful next week (and don’t worry, there will be one), I hope we can inch a bit closer to being more holistic Christians online, balancing vulnerability with the knowledge that our immediate reactions might not always be helpful. I hope we can learn how to balance our deeply held convictions or beliefs with a basic kindness and love that should define our faith. I hope if someone says “they’re actually really nice” about me or you or any other Christian, anyone can look at our Twitter feeds and find that to be true.

Read the rest.

How To Have A Confrontational Conversation

Good thoughts here from Ryan Huguley.

“I don’t deserve to be treated like this!”

A great post on relational reconciliation, especially in marriage.

A Helpful Perspective on "Do Unto Others..."

Read this helpful post for communication and conflict here.

How To Navigate Conflict Well

Pastor J.D. Greear:

In Ephesians 4:29, Paul mentions two kinds of speech: that which builds up and that which pulls down. This verse and the surrounding passage show us ten ways that we can handle conflict well—10 ways to fight like a Christian. 

1. Examine your heart.This is a huge first step in any conflict. Even if you’ve been wronged, what does your emotional response say about your heart? Is it possible that malice, wrath, or bitterness have snuck in? These things are like alarm systems for your heart, pointing to idolatry, which is often a much bigger issue than whatever your spouse (or brother or friend or boss) has done to you. 

2.     Overlook whatever you can.Part of speaking to others with grace is discerning what needs confronting and what should be overlooked. That’s a lot of what Paul means by that little phrase, “as fits the occasion.” On certain occasions (not all!), confronting little infractions only serves to heighten tensions. There are times you need to speak up and confront; and there are times to just let it go. There’s a real art to knowing the difference. 

3.     Be practical in how you fight.Again, think about what “fits the occasion.” My wife and I have learned the hard way that there are certain times, places, and moods that are just bad for arguments. So we never fight, for instance, if we’re both exhausted. We table the argument and come back to it within 24 hours, after we’ve had time to rest. Now, there’s always a temptation to just table a critical discussion endlessly, so you need to be sure to keep your word. If you say, “Let’s talk about this in the morning,” then put it on your calendar and actually bring it back up. 

4.     Be quick to listen and slow to speak.As our Pastor of Counseling Brad Hambrick says, the vast majority of communication problems are notexpression problems, but listening problems. You’re plenty skilled at making your point known; but the “communication breakdown” is the result of your stopped up ear. Listening well is one way of applying the biblical truth of considering others’ interests more important than your own (cf. Phil 2:3–4) 

5.     Seek their sanctification, not your vindication.Once you let go of the idea that you have to win every argument and vindicate yourself, you can finally focus on what helps the other person and the relationship. That means backing off, even when you think you are in the right. 

6.  Believe in God’s overriding purposes in your relationships.Knowing that God has a purpose for your relationships introduces an element of hope, even to the most broken of those relationships. This will not automatically make a difficult relationship easier, but it does add perspective: God knew you would be in that relationship, and he intends to do something beautiful with your conflict. 

7. Speak grace-saturated words.When grace saturates your speech, it changes both the content and the tone of what you say. Instead of assuming the positives and noticing the negatives, you begin to assume the negatives and intentionally point out the positives. You avoid being sarcastic and condescending, because that kind of talk—even if it’s technically “true”—only serves to ostracize and tear down. 

8. Don’t give up until there is no longer a chance of reconciliation.This is specifically applicable to married relationships, though the principle is broader than that. I see so many couples going through the pain of divorce, and even though I believe there are legitimate reasons for divorce, I wish that more people would just give the power of grace a chance before giving up on that relationship. 

9. Truly forgive.Forgiveness is a choice to put an offense away from our minds, but it’s not conditional on another person’s repentance. Many people think, “I’d forgive so-and-so if they would just ask for it.” But don’t confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Reconciliation takes two people; forgiveness only takes one. For your own sake, do not wait on another person’s repentance before you forgive. The only alternative to forgiveness is bitterness. 

10. Do all things out of reverence for Christ.The only way to follow any of this is for the cross to grow large in your life, to be so overwhelmed by Christ’s sacrifice for you that it reorients how you view every offense against you. If you try to resolve conflict as an act of service to your spouse, you will always lose motivation. You have to do it for Jesus. 

Books by J.D. Greear:

• Stop Asking Jesus Into Your Heart: How to Know for Sure You Are Saved
• Gospel: Recovering the Power that Made Christianity Revolutionary
• Breaking the Islam Code: Understanding the Soul Questions of Every Muslim

Repentance vs. Defensiveness

Gavin Ortlund:

It seems to me that we tend to respond to accurate criticism in one of two ways: repentance or defensiveness. These two reactions are as different as heaven and hell. A defensive heart says, “but look at what I did right!” (diversion). A repentant heart says, “here specifically is what I did wrong” (honesty). A defensive heart says, “but look at what was done to me!” (distraction). A repentant heart says, “here is how I contributed to the conflict” (ownership). A defensive heart says, “it wasn’t that bad” (downplaying). A repentant heart says, “it was a big deal” (admission).

Our default mode – in and out of the church – seems to be defensiveness. I know mine is. Nothing is more natural when we feel threatened by a criticism than to divert, distract, and downplay. Its as instinctive as flinching when a punch is coming. In my experience, a heart of repentance is something I have to work at. I have to say things like, “wait a minute. Think this through. Why does this criticism hurt you the way it does? Remember your identity is in Christ. Remember you’re identity is not at stake. Relax! Is there something you can learn here?” Its a counter-intuitive feeling, like learning to use a muscle we didn’t know we had for the first time. Or better: learning to relax a muscle for the first time that we’ve always kept tight. Its a kind of paradox: an effort at relaxing, a striving to cease striving, a struggle to give up.

The gospel alone can free us for honesty, ownership, and admission, because the gospel alone destroys the sting and judgment associated with criticism. The gospel takes away the fear that drives defensiveness and frees us to openly admit our shortcomings. The gospel says, “in the place of your deepest failure and shame you are loved most tenderly.” The gospel says, “your deepest fears were already born by Christ.” The gospel says, “your sins were exposed and dealt with at the cross. The battle is already over.”

It makes me think of a man who is standing on trial before a large audience. A long list of (accurate) charges is read. Everyone is watching. And the man responds, “the charges against me are 100% true and fair. I am responsible. No one else is to blame. There is no excuse. And it is a big deal.” A man who is free to be that non-defensive is the happiest and most indestructible man in the world. He has died to himself; his identity comes from something or someone else. He is fearless.

This is what the gospel does for us. In the court of God, which matters infinitely more than any human court, we have already been tried, and through Christ we have already been acquitted. Thank you, Jesus. Help us to be so secure in your love that we are fearless to repent.

Amen.

Why You Should Never Deal With Conflict Via Online Mediums

Brian Howard:

Through experience (and pain) I have come to realize how powerful online messaging is and how dangerous it can be to both work relationships and friendships. Understanding these three principles will keep you from wrecking relationships with online messages.

• Conflict through Online Messaging is Unwise
• Online Messages can be Easily Misinterpreted
• Online Messaging is Fast, Permanent, and Dangerous

Click over to read his explanations.

Deal With Conflict Now

Dave Kraft:

Years ago I heard a message that changed the way I view most of my relationships. I was being trained to be a counselor in a Billy Graham crusade and listened as Lorne Sanny, then president of the Navigators, was teaching. He made this comment: “Why does God use Billy Graham the way he does? I believe it is because Billy, more than any other leader I know of, consistently practices Acts 24:16.” Immediately you heard the rustling of Bible pages (in the era before the smartphone) and turning to that verse, which says, “So I always take pains to have a clear conscience toward both God and man.” It left a deep and lasting impression on me and affects me to this day. Good leadership is about maintaining healthy relationships in all directions. Here are a few examples of my own experience with people who have been offended.

Read the rest.

Get Dave's leadership book here.

11 Tips For Counseling Your Children In Conflict

Great post here from Trisha Wilkerson.

Eight Things To Keep in Mind When It Comes to Conflict

Perry Noble:

1. Email* Does Not Work!

2. Handle Conflict Quickly

3. Always Assume the Best about the People You Work With

4. Remember That Email Does Not Work!

5. Stop Expecting People to Read Your Mind

6. Stop Waiting for Them to Approach You

7. Never, Ever Go Public When You Have Not Even Attempted to Talk In Private

8. And Finally, Do Not Forget That Email Does Not Work!

Read the whole thing for explanations of each post.  

One Word That Will Ruin Your Marriage

Justin and Trisha:

There is a litmus test in our marriage that has 100% accurate results. We can tell our marriage is drifting into mediocre when one word is used. As we speak at conferences and spend time coaching couples we hear this same word repeated over and over again. It is a small word, but one that carries the power to keep any marriage mediocre. That word is…… BUT.

• I know I have an anger problem…BUT
• I know I haven’t forgiven him…BUT
• It’s true that I occasionally look at porn…BUT
• I do use sex to manipulate my husband…BUT
• I haven’t been completely honest with my wife…BUT
• I invest more in my job than I do our marriage…BUT
• I am not where I need to be spiritually as a wife…BUT
• Yes, I’m chatting with my old boyfriend on Facebook…BUT
• I am a control freak with our money…BUT
• I make her feel guilty all the time…BUT
• I know I don’t stick to our budget…BUT
• I said I would change…BUT

Read the rest.

Signs Your Marriage is Drifting

Justin and Trisha:

1. You think that the absence of conflict equals the presence of intimacy.

2. You find yourself keeping certain details of conversations or events from your spouse.

3. You say you forgive but you are really resentful.

4. You care more about being right than being one with your spouse.

5. When you get dressed in the morning, you are hoping that certain person at work notices you.

6. You look for opportunities to run errands, do chores, or work late so you can spend less time at home.

7. You say you’re sorry but you never change.

8. Sexual intimacy is rarely offered or pursued.

9. You are more emotionally connected to another person than you are your spouse.

10. You can’t remember the last time you had a conversation of substance that wasn’t an argument.

11. You haven’t gone on a date with just your spouse in over three months.

This list doesn’t mean that you’re marriage is over. This list means that your marriage is drifting. You don’t avoid these things by accident. You choose to avoid this list. You make a decision every day to walk in the other direction of this list. We are here to help you avoid this list. You don’t have to walk alone.

Run To The Tension

Justin Buzzard:

Run to the tension.

I’ve been teaching our leaders to “run to the tension” as they lead Neighborhood Groups/lead people in our church.

When conflict, tension, and difficulty shows up, run to it. Face it. Deal with it. Lead through it now, not later.

Our instinct is to ignore tension, but ignoring conflict now will only make for a bigger and messier conflict three months from now.

Run to the tension.

These are wise words indeed.

C.J. Mahaney Writes About His Leave of Absense

C.J. Mahaney writes quite transparently about this ensuing leave of absence from his role as leader of Sovereign Grace ministries.  There is much we can learn from this blog post.  I commend it to you.

Receive Criticism with Gladness

Bob Kauflin:

What a thought. The cross is a loud statement of our sin, unworthiness, and need. And in light of the cross, we can receive criticism graciously because God, who knows our wickedness better than anyone else, has fully forgiven and justified us.  We will never be brought into condemnation (Romans 8:1)!  So we can confidently pray with David, “Let a righteous man strike me – it is a kindness; let him rebuke me – it is oil for me head; let my head not refuse it” (Psalm 141:5).

(HT:  Tullian)

A Brief Compendium of Paul’s Warnings Against Quarreling

Thabiti Anyabwile with a great post on Paul's warnings against quarreling. It is rather noteworthy how often Paul mentions this issue.

Interview with Tullian Concerning Church Merger Controversy

Here is the interview.  Money quote:

I’ve never seen the transforming work of the Gospel happen so quickly and tangibly as I have over the last four months or so. Personally, I’ve been changed and transformed by the Gospel. For instance, I never knew just how dependent I’d become on human approval and acceptance until God took it away. Through this painful trial, God helped me rediscover the freedom that Jesus plus nothing equals everything!

Read the whole interview.

(HT:  @DashHouse)

Community and Conflict

Some great quotes on conflict in community from Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community.  These words are so helpful.

‘No sooner are people together than they begin to observe, judge, and classify each other. Thus, even as Christian community is in the process of being formed, an invisible, often unknown, yet terrible life-and-death struggle commences.’ (93)

‘Thus it is a good idea that all members receive a definite task to perform for the community, so that they may know in times of doubt that they too are not useless and incapable of doing anything. Every Christian community must know that not only do the weak need the strong, but also that the strong cannot exist without the weak. The elimination of the weak is the death of the community.’ (96)

‘What does it matter if I suffer injustice [from others in the community]? Would I not have deserved even more severe punishment from God if God had not treated me with mercy? Is not justice done to me a thousand times over even in injustice? … Those who live by justification by grace are prepared to accept even insults and slights without protest, taking them as from God’s chastising and gracious hand.’ (97)

‘A Christian community either lives by the intercessory prayers of its members for one another, or the community will be destroyed. I can no longer condemn or hate other Christians for whom I pray, no matter how much trouble they cause me. In intercessory prayer the face that may have been strange and intolerable to me is transformed into the face of one for whom Christ died, the face of a pardoned sinner. That is a blessed discovery for the Christian who is beginning to offer intercessory prayer for others. As far as we are concerned, there is no dislike, no personal tension, no disunity or strife, that cannot be overcome by intercessory prayer. Intercessory prayer is the purifying bath into which the individual and the community must enter every day.’ (90)

‘Those who take refuge in community while fleeing from themselves are misusing it to indulge in empty talk and distraction, no matter how spiritual this idle talk and distraction may appear.’ (82)

‘Whoever cannot be alone should beware of community … But the reverse is also true. Whoever cannot stand being in community should beware of being alone.’ (82)

(HT:  Tim Chester)

Reprove Me

Elizabeth Adams has a good article on correction at the Boundless blog.  Here is one excerpt from the end:

God has infinitely greater grounds for trusting that I will change: He has begun the work, and He has promised to complete it. No, human feedback is not always reliable, but God's corrections, once welcomed, are certain to bring increased wisdom, greater ability, more knowledge of His Word, more interaction with His Spirit, and more reflection of His character.

"Those whom I love," Jesus says, "I reprove."

Read the rest.

This is What You Signed Up For

Oftentimes a young husband will lament the hardships that marriage can bring as conflict surely arises. He might be tempted to say, “I feel like I am dying here! He fails to recognize that this is what he signed up for when he got married (Eph. 5:25-32). Godly husbands know the symbolic pain of the nails in his hands and feet as he literally lays down his life so that his wife might flourish in all of life.