This summer my wife and I led a study of younger couples considering marriage. We talked about all different sorts of things that pertain to marriage: Children, money, conflict resolution, in-laws, romance, sex, Biblical roles, love languages, etc. Recently as I was reflecting back on our sessions from the summer I pondered how as Christians we normally present the sexual side of the marriage relationship. In terms of sex, from the Christian perspective, all the seminars I’ve been to, articles and books I’ve read, conversations I’ve had, etc, all seem to point to the fact that generally speaking, men want it more than women do in terms of raw desire. We presented it this way to the couples we were teaching this summer and it seems (from my limited perspective) that this is the message that is consistently taught and lived out in the majority of Christian marriages.
Contrast this reality with a different experience. When we moved to Nashville, I had left the financially comfortable worship leader job back in Iowa and asked my family to embrace the life of a starving artist. I soon figured out that I could starve myself but couldn’t ask my wife and two-year- old to, thus I took a job waiting tables at Applebee’s. Humbling indeed, but very good for me. I probably shared my faith more in those nine months there than I did in the previous nine years. It was a great reminder that we need to intentionally seek out contexts for building relationships with unbelievers. One of the things that I noticed after working there for a few weeks was how much these unbelieving girls that I worked with talked about sex. It certainly wasn’t a helpful thing for a married (or single) man to hear about but it was hard to miss sometimes amidst the close quarters of restaurant work. It was much akin to men’s “locker-room talk”. I’ll spare you the details, but after leading our study this summer it lead me to ask some questions.
Why the stark difference between the two different circles? For sure, the differences in talk about sex between Christians and non-Christians seem to be obvious, but is there something deeper going on? Does one group over the other truly represent God’s ideal for women’s libido? Certainly as Christians we would say that Christian women embody the ideal, but is a lower sex drive in women due to what they have been taught and caught in our Christian culture or is it simply who they are naturally and the women from the restaurant represent the perversion? Here would be some possible questions/conclusions to consider.
From the side of the unbeliever:
1. The girls at the restaurant all came from very broken families. Not one of them that I knew there had a good relationship with their father. Could it be that a lack of a real loving relationship with a father could distort a woman’s longing for genuine affection into something that is abnormal?
2. Could it be that the over-sexed culture that we breathe that presents women as objects for men to consume would be the only option for healthy sexuality that women can choose, thus they have figured out that in this cesspool of perversion it’s either sink or swim when it comes to sexual fulfillment. They either have to be what they think men want or they are left alone and longing for affirmation from men.
3. The girls at the restaurant could have been lying and it’s all just talk for the sake of impressing or fitting in with the cultural picture that they see everyday.
From the side of the Christian:
1. Could there be something in our church culture that subtly encourages women to negatively squash sexual desire? Does all the information that we provide to Christian women before they get married cause them to lean in a certain way?
2. In contrast to the unbelieving women from the restaurant, could it be that Christian women see all the filth and perversion of sexuality in our culture and have sought to swing the other way but maybe too far?
3. I think it would be safe to say that God has intended from creation to, generally speaking, give men and women different levels of sexual desires. If this were not the case we certainly would overpopulate the world.
I don’t assume to know the answers to these questions, maybe the answers can't be known, but I believe that at least it is important to think through these issues. My differing experiences with the two seperate contexts described above has led me to wonder what really is going on. Thoughts?
A side note: Whatever the case may be, I believe that in light of the depressing lies concerning sex that is presented in the culture the church needs to NOT hide or shrink back from these issues, but present a persistent and clear vision of what God glorifying sex is all about. It needs to be taught in the church and caught in the family. Our children will learn about sex, the question is where and from whom are they going to learn it?
Here is a great resource for continued reflection on these matters.
You can click here to see Al Mohler speaking on the topic of sexuality at the New Attitude conference.
6 comments:
I think this is an important topic to think about. I believe there is a case of "impression management" on the part of both groups of girls. Within the church, there is premium placed upon sexual purity, particularly for women, which I think transfers to marriage as well. In the world, young women are rewarded for their sexuality by increased attention from men, etc. So I think a lot of it comes down to trying to impress those with whome they come in contact with.
I only hope that as my daughter gets older and explores social relationships, marriage, etc., she develops a healthy view of sexuality. I said to my wife last night that I have been really impressed with Barlow Girl and their ministry regarding relationship. I believe they are good role models for young women today.
A seminarian friend of mine has contemplated Christian porn as a way of making money. In that we have Christian TV, Christian magazines, Christian music, etc., there could be this quaint little niche that really will have no purpose for sale or sharing (thus this "friend" dismissed the idea ultimately) but used exclusively in a Christian home. Who knows? It may take off...
Mr. Else,
Are you insane in the membrane?
Insane in the brain!
Dude, it is your topic. I hearken back to Anthony Bradley's blog and there seems to be little compunction talking about what a few years ago only Salt n' Peppa would be willing to talk about, although now we can do so in a "safe, biblical" atmosphere. Sheesh, have we no modesty?
I am a newly married Christian wife, who loves and respects her husband and fully enjoys both the intimacy and pleasure in sex with him. My desire is for him alone.
I also have loving earthly parents who presented a health attitude of exclusive joy in each other in their marriage. This was a major factor in how I currently view sex with in marriage. Christian culture was a shaping influence on how I understood purity and how I was to keep myself for my husband before and after marriage, but it started at home.
A few of my non-believing friends (who have troubled family relationships) have said in the past that understanding the joy in sex with in marriage, exclusive, pure and uncorrupted has forever been tainted or stolen by their sexual history.
Satan is doing an excellent job of promising love and sexual fulfillment to non-believers (and believers) ending in a robbery of future God designed pleasure in Sex. This extreamly saddening, especially know that I have a small understanding of the gift that God has given.
This reminds me of a Piper message that a friend of mine gave me a few years back called, "men's talk." The bulk of the message is geared towards fathers. One of the statements that Piper makes is about how men have to be their for their children and especially with daughter to show them what it's like to be touched and loved affectionately in a proper way.
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