Probably with the rise of men's movements like PromiseKeepers and others like it, the idea of an "accountability partner" has become common practice for many Christian men. Usually what this means is that you have a partner of mutual age and trust that you meet with one on one once a week or so and just check in about how life is going. Sometimes you agree to ask each other hard questions about sexual purity or some other specific sin issue. The intent of this relational structure is to provide a context for deterring sin since each person knows that there will be questions probing into conduct and thought life as it pertains to the past week. I have been in many one on one groups and small groups like this in the past and I would submit to you that they usually don't work. Why would I say this? Well, I believe it's due to the fact that there is no real consequence. Is your buddy going to shame you or rebuke you? Probably not. The other problem with this picture is that the person that you are accountability partners with is usually not someone who sees you day in and day out and really know the real you apart from your deep conversation had once a week over your warm frothy beverage at Starbucks. Thus you are the one who decides what you share and what you don't and there are most likely many sins that you are completely unaware of that need to be addressed. I know there is great benefit from bringing sin into the light (John 3:20-22) and we are called to "confess our sins, one to another" but I think there might be a better way. How is this to be done?
Instead of having a set aside time when you have someone ask you the "hard questions", find someone that really knows you and sees you day in and day out and set aside a time once a month or so to ask them one hard question: "Has there been anything you see in my life that needs adjustment or correction?" This way it gives the other person the freedom and permission to say whatever they see in your life and it takes away the ability of the confessor to "edit" his comments and only confess what he wants to confess and also helps you be aware of sins committed that you may be completely oblivious to. If you are married your spouse is perfect person to do this with, if you are single maybe it's a trusted co-worker or family member.
Of course there are secret sins that we commit that need time for specific confession with another person, but I believe that a consistent discipline of "checking in" with those who know you deeply and love you deeply may be a more effective way for increased sanctification in this life. It takes a great deal of humility to open yourself up to someone in this way, but I believe that in the end the blessing will be huge.
(Much of what I have said here is credited to things I have heard CJ Mahaney say over the past few years)
4 comments:
amen. dan and i have done this for each other specifically with sexual purity and I thought we were doing it "wrong" because we weren't sharing with someone the same gender, once a week, over the aforementioned frothy beverage. I am glad to see there is evidence that this method works, it certainly did and does for us.
Z,
I really appreciate this post. I saw my wife emotionally crushed by an accountability relationship. Not because they were doing it wrong, but rather because they became "too close." It came to be that vacations, family time, etc were scheduled around accountability time, which incidentally was several hours each day and usually 5 to 6 on Sunday.
My wife simply didn't know how to get out and eventually just had to break the relationship off completely. I think the problem is that relational problems can be clothed under the "righteousness of accountability."
A friend mentioned that the usual reason that accountability partnerships fail is because it is often the response of a troubled conscience trying to create and obey a law in order to justify ourselves. If this is correct, and I think it is, then this is something to guard against so that we can improve such partnerships.
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