Sean Michael Lucas, assistant professor of church history at Covenant Seminary commends Phil Ryken for his recent article discussing his marriage and makes some comments of his own about resolving conflict. They both practice a literal interpretation of Ephesians 4:26 that says, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger". I commend them for believing in the blessing of resolved conflict in this way but my wife and I have a slightly different take on the application of this verse.
I would submit that the point of the text is not that we "don't let the sun go down on our anger" meaning, if the sun goes down at 5:30 pm in Dec and you are still angry, then you are in sin, but rather the application of this text would be to simply resolve your conflict as soon as possible!
What my wife and I have found (and counsel young couples in) is that sometimes a conflict at 2am is not going to go anywhere positive due to tiredness, (maybe it's just me, that my brain completely shuts down when I am tired) thus sleep is the exact thing your conflict needs for some clear thinking and repentance in the morning. There have been many times we have seen this to be true in our marriage. Oftentimes, we wake up in the morning and find ourselves saying "what were we even fighting about?"
For sure we try to resolve, but there are times when you just need to go to bed and talk in the morning. This is not the norm for us, but rather a needed exception at times. Every couple is different and I think there should be a degree of freedom of application with this verse.
Just my take. I would love your thoughts.
4 comments:
Right on, Z. When I am tired, I am way more likely to become more spiteful and less forgiving. If you can agree on a stopping place in the discussion, sometimes that's the best alternative (plus then, at least you've agreed on something :).
I disagree. I think you need to lay down your anger, and your right to be angry NOW. Although we can talk about the issue later, we cannot resolve to be angry before we sleep. Anger is an affront to God because it claims that we deserve something, when all we really deserve is God's anger and wrath. We have one choice to make with our anger, and that is to lay it down before it damages us even more than what we were initially angered by.
Let me add: Although I said I disagree, most of what you said about resolving the conflict when you are ready, I believe, is right on. I really agree with you on most of what you said, Z.
You seem to be equating the resolution of a problem with not being angry about it. But those are two things. Many real problems in a marriage will persist until death, but anger about them doesn't have to.
Working out a problem can be put off until morning--it can be put off until next year. But forgiving your husband or wife should always happen right now.
Imagine if Jesus postponed forgiveness until the problems between him and us were resolved.
-Abraham
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