Stephen Altrogge:
CALIFORNIA – Apple CEO Tim Cook announced the new iPhone 5 today, saying, “We are pleased to present the iPhone 5, and we are confident that it can solve not only your problems, but the problems of the entire world.”
As Cook was making the announcement, a lion and a lamb were led onto the stage, each with an iPhone 5 tied around it’s neck. The animals nuzzled each other gently, then lay down together at Cook’s feet. “As you can see,” said Cook, as he stuck his head into the lion’s mouth, “the new iPhone creates peace wherever it goes. It’s really quite a feat of engineering.”
Immediately following the announcement of the new phone, 116 countries immediately entered into peace treaties with each other. As Kim Jong Un, current supreme leader of North Korea, held his new phone, he said, “It is a very happy day for our country. I am disarming all our nuclear warheads and giving the NFL Sunday Ticket to every citizen of our country.”
The Republican and Democratic parties have joined together to hold an emergency convention, in which they will nominate the new iPhone for President. Speaking on behalf of the Republican party, Clint Eastwood held up his empty hand and said, “This phone that I am holding will change politics forever!”
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