Marital Conflict - Part 2 - The Power of Tears

In an earlier post I talked about how we discussed in our young marrieds small group the important issues of timing and tone as keys to navigating healthy marital conflict. Another issue that came up in our group as it pertains to marital conflict has to do with the typical differing of emotional levels between men and women.

If both partners are Christians there is the assumption that there will be humility present in both parties sufficient to navigate the words of adjustment that are often needed from one spouse to the other. Unfortunately this assumption is not shared by all. I had a mentor once tell me that when his wife came to him with an issue of character adjustment that he would attempt to listen carefully and ask the Lord to work in his heart to rectify the deficiency that his wife brought to light. He then went on to tell me that at times with women in general and specifically with his wife when the tables were turned it was not a pretty scene. He said she was far too emotional he to be able to handle the direct and open discussion of her need for adjustment as well. He basically said that women have to be held to a different standard.

I don’t buy it.

Granted, all women are different, but where in the Bible does is say that women are free from the humility that it takes to hear words of correction that both partners desperately need, just because they may be more emotional? For sure they are a “weaker vessel” (meaning more fragile) and as husbands we need to keep a careful watch over our tone of voice in these sorts of marital discussions, but being more emotional than the husband does not remove the need for honest communication concerning ones need for character or attitude adjustment.

The way that this can sometimes plays out in marriages is that the wife (unconsciously, or worse yet, consciously) can use tears as a means of shutting down the conversation. The man brings up an issue for the wife to consider, it hurts her feelings even though it needed to be said, she bursts into tears, the husband backs off and takes on a mindset of damage control, and does whatever it takes to makes his wife feel better. As a result the issue may never get dealt with and in the future they unknowingly slip into a reoccurring, unhealthy pattern of dealing with conflict which never allows them to get to the root of the issue. Unfortunately, for many couples this is a very familiar scene.

After about 4 years of marriage my wife and I went on a walk one night and we had a very frank discussion of this issue. I felt that we had many times found ourselves as actors in the scene described above. She agreed that at times we had fallen into that pattern and that this was a problem. She added something that was very helpful to me. She said that at time she is going to cry simply because she is a more emotional person, but her crying does not mean that she doesn’t hear what I am saying and take it seriously, it just means that she is responding emotionally and that I don’t need to shrink back or turn our focus away from the issue just because of her tears. This was very helpful for me to hear from her.

In the end, emotional or not, a commitment to mutual humility before each other is the only way to navigate marital conflict. Our sin nature testifies to us that this is much easier said than done. We have found that the best way to see selflessness manifest in our marriage is to daily sit at the foot of the cross. This posture is one of the greatest deterrents to the pride that will destroy our marriages.